(Dedicated to “Parnac” and the Sultans of Swing)
For eons, mankind has competed in games of skill, when not being eaten by a sabre tooth tiger or womankind demanding they find a new decorative rock to go next to the cave entrance. Early Altoidazoic era cave paintings show a figure, let’s call him Eg, throwing what looks like a long club into a body of water. Another figure, Nawg, is holding his club above his head standing on one leg. Appears to be an early representation of golf and Eg has evidently lost his wife to Nawg in a prehistoric wager. At least Eg was off the hook on finding the decorative rock. Want to boil the human condition down to its basic elements, easily viewable? Then get thee to a golf course. Shakespeare wrote, “All the World’s a Stage.” If he would have been a golfer with a banana slice, he would have said, “All the 1st Tee Boxes are a Stage, press on Will, pray don’t shank thee!”

Meaning of Life – You’ve taken lessons, used grip and swing aids, yet you’re laser darts on the practice range turn into “spray not stream settings” on the golf course. The harder you work to hone your mechanics, the worse your handicap and enjoyment gets. You scream, “why am I here, what’s my purpose?” The others in your foursome look supportive, then burst out laughing and chime in, “your purpose meat, is to entertain us and continue to grow our drink fund with your stellar play.” Golf, like life is not fair, but allows free will. “To lay up or not to lay up, that is the question – Whether ‘tis Nobler to suffer the fairway sand or the lake and out of bounds surrounding the green on the Par 5.”

Search for Gratification – Golf, like life is not always about individual rewards, there is satisfaction in rewarding others. We want to make a difference, contribute. “But….Alas poor Jim! I knew him; a guy with a sense of humor, very patient; until I let him down as a partner in our match plays; he hath borne me on his back a thousand times; and now sneers, “win a hole or pay for my chiropractor, cause I’ve been carrying an extra 220 lbs. around all year!”

Sense of Curiosity – You play in a foursome with one of the “SDs.” Rare beings that carry a single digit handicap or lower, who venture down from “Mount Olympus,” to play with mere mortals occasionally. Their putts run to the hole like prairie dogs scurrying to their burrows. You wonder, what makes this skill possible? Is it the putter they’re using? You notice it’s the latest “Scotty Cameron” putter. “A Cameron, a Cameron, my kingdom for a Cameron!” You get your “Cameron,” and discover, it’s not the putting tool, it’s the tool putting it.

Awareness of the Inescapability of Death – You need to keep hydrated on the golf course during the summer. After water, beer for sure, you’ll need to visit, “the facilities.” Your mind is “Spock-like” focused on the back 9, you shoot your best round. You walk triumphantly up to the patio to join your wife and others for a drink, to share your proud moment. The tables are full. You’re halfway to her table and, that’s weird, the conversations stop. You look around and one of your supportive buddies says, “Hey, Sailor Neds trying to take a little shore leave,” pointing at your “Midshipman.” (fly zipper) Oh death where is thy sting? A man can die but once, embarrassment lives on. Well gotta go. “Parting is such sweet sorrow. Yonder lawn beckons me to hew its excess greenery. Was that driver the SD was swinging, Ping or Taylor Made?”