Dear Jimmie – I read Longmont’s City Council passed a “Healthy Beverages for Children’s Meals” ordinance that would require restaurants serving what they’ve designated to be children’s meals to make unsweetened water or milk the preferred options with those kids’ meals. Seems like another “Nanny State” overreach. What do you think?

Ankle Biter Herder

Dear ABH – I think you’re looking at this all wrong. This is an opportune time to suggest other ordinances for the City Council to consider and implement. I’ve gathered some from around the country that merit consideration and embellished them in bolded/italics:

-Alabama: Elephants must not be placed in electric ovens. But can be placed in an approved microwave or toaster oven.

-California: A frog that dies during a frog-jumping contest cannot be eaten and must be “destroyed” as soon as possible. But a city permit can be purchased by a licensed chef to humanely remove their legs for future cooking and eating.

-Colorado:Cats must be fitted with a tail light if sneaking out of the house. But only after dusk, and it hasn’t left a note telling where it’s going.

-Delaware: It’s a misdemeanor to sell, barter, or offer the fur of a domestic dog or cat. But a city permit can be purchased that waives the misdemeanor if that fur is used in a work of art.

-Idaho:Cannibalism is strictly prohibited and punishable by up to 14 years in prison. However, the law is allowed under “life-threatening conditions as the only apparent means of survival,” according to the Idaho State Legislature. But make sure to eat a Clif Bar, not your friend Cliff.

-Missouri: If a bull or ram over the age of one year runs rampant for more than three days, any person may castrate the animal without assuming liability for damage. But should be performed by a professional after the animal has stopped running rampant.

-Oregon: A dead person cannot be required to serve on a jury. But they shall have the right to vote.

-West Virginia: It’s illegal to substitute a ferret for a hunting dog. But a miniature horse or potbellied pig emotional support animal is ok as long as it’s wearing a fluorescent hunting vest.

Here are a couple more suggested ordinances I’ve come up with that merit consideration:

-Require Bar and Restaurant mandated drink and food portion size restrictions based on an individual’s BMI weight calculation measured by a server using the new electronic girth utility tool “GUT.”

-Covid masks only on until you are seated in an eating establishment. Does this offer the best protection? How about disposable tent-shaped table condoms where a server can slide your food and drink to you near the floor.

I’m sure you can come up with some other ordinances for consideration. Oh, I almost forgot. The disposable tent-shaped table condoms could be requested as paper or plastic.

Jimmie St. Vrain claims to be Johnnie St. Vrain’s wise guy brother. Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.