“Kilt – It’s what happened to the last person that called it a skirt.”

— Anonymous 

A group of us made the trek to St. Andrews, Scotland, for a golf and sightseeing adventure. We played some iconic “links” golf courses and enjoyed 19th hole libations with well-stocked Tennents (Vitamin T) beer and white wine. The locals couldn’t have been more friendly and accepting, not the cold, stoic people usually represented. Our bus driver Jim masterfully navigated roads narrower than Twiggy’s hips. The sand bunkers were deeper than the potholes in Interstate 70, some requiring a ladder and miner’s helmet. Even King Kong would have trouble scaling Crail-Balcomie’s dastardly elevated par 3’s. The wind blew more consistently than extended warranty spam calls. Gorse, guardian of the rough, must be the devil’s favorite plant, spikey thorns aplenty, nature’s acupuncturist.

Here are some things you should avoid saying to a Scotlander:

Why are there so many old, run-down-looking buildings? These so-called run-down buildings are cathedrals or castles dating back to the mid-12th century, that’s way before electronic devices, social media and HGTV.

Why don’t you trim those shaggy-looking cattle? The “Highland” is a Scottish breed of rustic cattle originating in the Scottish Highlands and the Outer Hebrides islands and has long horns and a long shaggy coat. It is a hardy breed, able to withstand the intemperate conditions in the region.

Don’t you ever water the golf course fairways as we do in the States? Scottish golf links soil is sandy and because it lacks moisture, the grass tends to have short blades with long roots. The grass in the rough is wispy and long, which makes play difficult. Links courses drain well and provide a firm golfing surface all year round. Even though you might get a long roll-out on your shots, it becomes a chess game to avoid the deep bunkers and small streams (burns).

Is it always windy and rainy here? In Scotland, there’s no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothes. The locals look forward to Scottish summers, the rain gets warmer. If you can see sky, it’s going to rain; if you can’t, it’s raining already.

Where’s the beer cart on the St. Andrews Old Course? Motorized golf carts aren’t allowed on the course; only push trolleys, carry your bag or hire a caddie. Since every tee time is booked, the pace of play is critical, and stopping to buy a beverage would slow down the pace; besides, the Scots and Irish prefer to drink sitting down.

Should I order my Scotch Whiskey with water? No, laddie, you’re thirsty not dirty!

The head greenkeeper of St. Andrews golf course was inspecting the greens one morning when he spotted a golfer bending over the burn stream on the 18th, scooping up water with his hand and drinking it.

“Haw,” he shouted, “Ye shouldnae drink that watter; it’s got coo’s pish in it!”

The golfer looked up and replied, “I’m sorry old chap, I’m English, and I’m afraid I couldn’t understand a word you were saying.”

The greenkeeper shouted back, “I said, use both hands; you’ll get more in.”

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.