The U.S. is 244 years old. No wonder we have difficulty achieving and maintaining an election.
                                                                      – Rick Aaron

You have probably seen the yellow and black covered instruction manuals with ______ for Dummies title unless you’ve been living in a cave or Joe Biden’s basement. The manuals cover a myriad of topics from “Performing Your Lobotomy” to “Reloading Your Toilet Paper Holder.” Even though some previous “Voting for Dummies” books have been released over the years. I wanted to add my condensed version.

Important Dates to Know for Election 2020: Oct 9 – Ballots start to get mailed to active voters. Oct 10 – Ballots are mailed to deceased voters and individuals with the name John Doe, Elmer Fudd and James Hoffa. Oct 11 – Ballots are mailed to felons and all names in the Caracas, Venezuela phone directory. Oct 19 – Drop boxes and copying centers open to start accepting ballots. Voting and Polling Centers Open. Oct 26 – Last day to update your registration to receive a ballot by mail. Previously deceased need to secure a ride to deposit their ballots, RTD or Uber is an option. RTD can secure your casket or urn to the front of their buses, please have the correct fare or ride for free in Longmont. Remember to tip your Uber driver. When updating your registration, refrain from listing your current occupation as an explosives expert. Nov 3 Election Day – Last day to vote, ballots must be received by 7pm unless you can prove you are absentee or delayed due to fire, flood, plague of locusts, your funeral that day, or you were looking for the RTD Northwest Rail Line to get to your Longmont polling location.

Voter Instructions: Read all instructions on your ballot and vote using a black or blue ballpoint pen. Crayon, charcoal briquet or fountain pen using octopus ink is prohibited. When voting yes or no to retain judges we suggest getting a heads/tails call by flipping something other than a coin (due to the shortage), like a drink coaster (remove drink first), yard gnome or family pet.

Refold your voted ballot and place it into your return envelope (your name is pre-printed on the return envelope). Only put your ballot in your return envelope. Do not include your City of Longmont utility bill or late library book fee payment in this envelope. If you received an additional ballot for a deceased or non-citizen relative please contact Colorado Secretary of State Jena Griswold for guidance. Sign your ballot envelope. By law, your signature is required. Make sure you sign first name, middle name, or initial (if on the envelope), then last name. Suggest you don’t write a pseudonym like “The Dude,” Mister Master,” Ballot-Rina,” or use a symbol, like Ƭ̵̬̊  for the artist formerly known as “Prince.” If you misplace or lent your envelope, please contact Boulder County Elections for a replacement. It is a violation of law to receive more than 10 ballots for mailing or delivery in any election unless you’ve secured a polygamist permit. When returning your ballot, no postage is required at Ballot Drop-Off or Vote Centers. If mailing, we recommend you send your ballot no later than Mon, Oct 26. Must use the current U.S. Postage stamp of $100.25. Do not use old “Green Stamps,” “Peppa Pig” stickers from your grand-kids books or a souvenir stamp from your passport. Please use a lightly damp sponge or glue stick to seal your envelope and stamps if mailing to reduce Covid and cootie transmission. If you must lick, please do so with your mask on…

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.