Comrades, your community requires you to give up the capitalistic wasteful lives you’ve been living for the glorious ways deemed correct by the more socially conscious and enlightened among us.  A vote in November for the City Compost Plan is just a formality to placate the bourgeois. When passed, I believe the current City Plan should be “scrapped” and replaced by my “CCCP” plan. The strength of the people depend on our correct implementation of this important program, it would be a shame to “waste” this opportunity to indoctrinate the masses who are so ignorant of proper Environmental Theology. Details of my “CCCP” 5-Year Plan:

1 – All Longmont households will be issued 1 – Outdoor compost tumbler bin with “CCCP” lettering and the “Vegetable Peeler and Rake” emblem. Multi-Family and or Apartment dwellers will be issued 5 Gal buckets and paper nose masks.

2 – Each bin and bucket will have a remote camera, interior weight and motion sensors discarded by the NSA, to be monitored by the City of Longmont.

3 – Every week on Monday, odd numbered and Tuesday, even numbered addresses will be required to have filled their tumbler bins with compostable material and rotated them one complete turn (or 360 degrees for you former STEM students). Multi-family and or Apartment dwellers are required to drop their household compostables at the Recycle Center on a weekly basis, meeting average volume amounts or see item #6.

4 – Everyone will be issued the smaller sized trash containers with alarm sensors detecting any yard waste or table scraps being trashed instead of going into the compost tumbler bins or 5 gal buckets.

5 – Any excess yard waste will still be allowed to be taken to the current Recycle Center, providing you have a waiver obtained from the new City Recycle Administrator Panel (CRAP).

6 – “Enemies of the City” not complying with these rules will be sent to re-education camps at the Recycle Center and be required to attend future City Council Meetings dealing with “Fracking,” to serve out their “Community Service” punishment.

7 – The expectation is that everyone will participate in producing rich, nutrient dense compost, 50% for their use and 50% for the City, who will pick up their share on Wednesdays, odd numbered and Thursday, even numbered addresses, except if one of these days falls during a leap year, go to the City website to see instructions when that occurs. Those not providing their 50% tithe to the City….see item #6.

8 – Because the Motherland  City will be able to monitor and measure citizens participation and output of compost, those who most glorify the program and are the top 50 participants and producers will be honored each year as “Compostnauts.”

9 – Each May a Parade will be held down Main Street with the “Compostnauts” marching in formation accompanied by their tumbler bins, passing by the City Officials and CRAP overlooking from a reviewing stand.

10 – An anthem will be “decomposed” to honor these sons and daughters of communal conformity with the first stanza being: “An Unbeatable Group of Compostnauts, Great Longmont has melded forever to stand, Created in struggle by the correct stewards, The united, the mighty be glorified our motherland, compostable be we,” or something to that effect, need Jay-Z or Eminem to polish it up. Well gotta go before the compost hits the fan. My little “babushka” just let me know the “ornamental grass” needs trimming (thought that was what was hanging from Pot Shop Christmas trees?) “Do svidaniya!”