Dear Jimmie – I read that the Longmont City Council voted 5-2 to allow Cimarron Hospitality to build a Hilton hotel near the wastewater treatment plant on Martin Street. I’m sorry, when I think of raw sewage or stinky smells I get embarrassed, my gag reflex kicks in and I almost throw up. I value your opinion and wonder what you think of this “achh,” issue.

Pukey in Prospect

Dear Pip, no need to be sorry. I get the same nauseous feeling when I think of career politicians. The city has restricted uses such as hotels near the plant with concerns that occasional odors might bother customers. Cimarron representatives said they could seal the proposed Hilton hotel and filter out any malicious smells. City planning staff didn’t recommend council approve the hotel. Boulder County already rolled out an “Environmental Sustainability” Plan with the goal of “Zero Waste or Darn Near.” Longmont is working on our plan. I believe the City and all Longmonters should get behind the slick operational and marketing opportunities this partnership with Hilton would provide as a way to demonstrate our commitment to our plan. Here’s some ideas I came up with via process of elimination:

– I suggest the name “Hilton Hotel Longmont by Flushing Butte.” (Flushing Meadow in NY is already taken)

– The hotel should offer communal showers with 5 minute limit timers, lukewarm water settings, one (1) towel rotated among 5 guests and toilet paper rationed to 8 squares per person at check in.

– All of it’s flower beds could be advertised as fertilized with processed solid sludge from the plant and guests entered each month in a drawing and recognized as a “My Poop Doesn’t Stink” winner.

– Offer guided walking tours to the wastewater facility with free lunch being provided back at the hotel restaurant with a sampling of some of the following menu items: “Chinese pupu platter, lutefisk and limburger cheese.” The hotel could also offer special “wake up music” in the morning to guests, including: “Smells Like Teen Spirit” by Nirvana, “That Smell” by Lynyrd Skynyrd or “Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road” by Loudon Wainwright III, just to name a few.

– An annual festival could be flushed out, we have the “Bolder Boulder” and “Turkey Trot” runs, how about the “Pot Trot” around the plant’s “Pooper Dome” starting at the hotel and tying in with a commode and marijuana theme. Include a film festival with sewage as the main meme with classics like: “Alligator (1980), CHUD (1984) and any episode of the “Honeymooners” (1950’s) since Ed Norton was a New York City sewer worker, who “just kept things moving along.”

– Just floating this idea, during the festival, how about including a urinal deodorant cake skipping contest at a plant holding pond, with unused cakes of course. (guys might have to explain the “cakes” to the ladies, unless they’ve “presented” as a male before and used a men’s restroom). Well Pip, gotta go, I mean sign off, not really “go-go.” We should all be thankful we have a wastewater treatment facility that takes care of our “untreated excreta.” Good luck with your sensitive stomach, and remember, defecation is a natural function and everyone sits on the porcelain throne to drop the kids off at the pool most every day.

Jimmie St. Vrain (Johnnie’s wiseguy brother) and Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and are products of Longmont public schools and the University of Northern Colorado. Both believe sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.