Call it guilt over my; white, male, blue eyes, over 6′ tall, baby boomer, semi-literate privilege that’s causing me to present my predictions in a kinder, gentler, more PC vein this year.

Sanctuary City Proclamation: Emboldened by their election gains, the City Council and Mayor decide to proclaim that Longmont is a sanctuary city for people who entered the US while forgetting or misplacing the unreasonably required documentation. In addition Longmont also welcomes any real aliens from outside our planet to relocate here without any fear of scrutiny or reprisal. Press 1 for English, 2 for Spanish, 3 for Vulcan and 4 for Klingon…..

100% Renewable: Since we’ll have abundant 100% renewable energy without an appreciable pricing increase by 2030 as proclaimed by our Mayor and Sustainable Renewable Longmont, renewable energy won’t be the only renewable possibility to be addressed. We already have composting and in 2018 we’ll see renewable requirements on appliances and clothes. Say your 1990 Sears Kenmore washer craps out. Before you can dispose of it, you’ll have to submit a CRIP (county renewable impact commission) form to determine if a replacement part could keep your machine working. Also say you’ve got a flannel shirt from the early 1990’s Grunge period or an Angel Flight suit from the Disco period and you want to donate it to Goodwill. The’ll also require you to itemize clothes you’re donating and submit a CRIP indicating why you can’t keep them. If it’s determined they are in good condition, you have your Kurt Cobain Nirvana flannel for eternity and will need to lose a ton to fit into your Saturday Night Fever Tony Manero Angel Flight suit.

RTD Provides Train Service: The long awaited train service promised by RTD becomes a reality when they partner with Burlington Northern Santa Fe railroad to begin transporting commuters from Longmont to Boulder to Denver via their coal cars. These cars become available when environmental factions succeed in getting coal outlawed. Cars will be open aired with bench type seating. No USB plug-ins will be available, but paper face masks and Handi Wipes will be provided for a nominal fee to protect against coal residue.

Village at the Peaks Stores: Having an assortment of eating establishments, except for Tongan or Croatian themed, the powers that be attempt to appease the proletariate by attracting a new clothing store called “Roll with It.” They’ll specialize in non shaming clothing that drapes their owners in loose fitting garb hiding any so called body imperfections, like rhino thighs, elephant rear, pudding house gut, bingo wings or Shar Pei cheek tissue. Their clothes are all black with a sack like structure that you can cinch up or release as your body composition fluctuates. They’ll also offer gender neutral capri golf pants (formerly marketed to females), guaranteed to get your foursome buddies talking.

Boulder Merger: Both city governments will pursue Longmont incorporating into Boulder. Because Longmont was named after Major Stephen Long whose exploration of our area in the early 1800’s led to white settlement at the expense of Indigenous people, the City name will be changed to “Pebble,” then Boulder and Pebble can successfully merge. Businesses will be given 2 years to remove any Longmont name, signage etc and the Longmont High School Trojans will be required to change their name to the Pebble High School Water Ripples. Well gotta go! I would like to apologize up front to anyone that might be offended, uncomfortable, shamed or caused to seek shelter in a clothes hamper with their binky, due to this article. Happy New Year!

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.