Dear Jimmie –

I’m madder than a fracking protestor getting their car’s oil changed at a quick lube! I’ve been a loyal NFL fan for years and put up with the copious commercials, player inane celebrations after successfully tying their shoes and the penalties for hard hits. I’m done now and won’t watch another game because of the National Anthem protests. I will have many hours available for other pursuits. I’d like your suggestions on some things I could “take up” to occupy my time.

“Flipping Off the NFL”

Dear “Flipping” –

I commiserate with your Pro football divorce. I could suggest the usual pastimes, like woodworking, fly fishing, golf, painting or gardening. But why follow the herd by taking up these leisure activities? How about breaking the mold and pursuing something original and avant garde? Here are a few suggestions:

Learn Latin – Like the rest of us, you probably know a few Latin phrases like, Carpe Diem (seize the day), Semper Fidelis (always faithful) or E Pluribus Unum (out of many, one). You could join a select group of people who speak Latin, including the Pope (although he has a slight Marxist accent). Impress your family and friends when you unleash this line, “transiet in turcia” (pass the turkey) at Thanksgiving. Favorite Roman joke: Q – How did the Roman Empire get split in half? A – With a pair of Caesars.

Texting Tattletale – How many times have you been at a stop light, it turns green and the driver in front of you is texting? You honk and yell, “it doesn’t get any greener or that’s the only shade of green they offer or something more X-Rated.” Here’s your chance to provide a public service by becoming Longmont’s “Texting Tattletale.” Outfit your car or truck with special flashing lights, megaphone blasting microphone and decals announcing you’re Mr. TT. (Can probably pay for this with a “GoFundMe” page.) Patrol our streets and when you find a texting driver, turn on the lights, announce to the offender the error of their ways and that you’ve taken a picture of their license plate. Send them off with “now go and text no more”. Keep a record and let any repeat offenders know their license plate # is being provided to Longmont’s finest.

Marijuana Critic – We have movie, restaurant and wine critics. You could establish your niche as a marijuana critic. Visit front range “grass shacks,” sample their goods, then write your critique and ratings. You could produce an online site and call it, “This Bud’s Fer U” or “Dube Scooby.” I suggest you pace yourself on smoking and edible sampling activities or the Front Range could experience a severe shortage of Doritos Tortilla Chips.

Prairie Dog Village Mayor – You know this idea will resurface again and when it does, you could volunteer to be the Mayor of “Burrowville.” Some of your responsibilities might be: keeping snow cleared in between burrows in the winter, lobbying for a jogging trail and PD accessible drinking fountain or push for an annual PD music festival in the village with Three Dog Night, Sick Puppies and Snoop Dog headlining. Your constituents wouldn’t complain, send you down a “rat hole” at village meetings or torch you on the TC Line. If you need feedback from them, you could enlist the City CouncilWoman who floated this idea as an interpreter.

Jimmie St. Vrain claims to be Johnnie St. Vrain’s wiseguy brother and Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.