“Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.”       – W.C Fields

 
Hillary Clinton – Males may experience severe groin injury anxiety attacks or “Bobbitt Syndrome,” a fear that Hillary, who once channeled Eleanor Roosevelt in the White House and probably wished it had been Lorena Bobbitt, will extract vengeance. Extreme ringing and in rare cases a constant noise similar to Barry Manilow singing underwater can occur in your ears after listening to soundbites or speeches. Carpal tunnel like symptoms can also appear when sending credit card or other sensitive information over your personal email account.
Bernie Sanders – Many indicate hallucinations can occur, usually marching scenes of Bolsheviks providing Russian peasants equal starvation and suffering for all, except for the ruling class. Alcohol use can increase visions of Stalin, Mao and Castro dancing the “Macarena” on the graves of millions of politically incorrect opponents. Less serious, but still annoying is the tactile sensation that you’ve lost your wallet or purse and find a red rash spread equally across your “proletariat” posterior upon waking. Immediately purchasing something on “Amazon” will help reduce effects.
Donald Trump – May cause bouts of insomnia while fearfully contemplating how the follicle stack adorning the real “Trump Tower” gets shoved, coaxed, crimped and primped into position each day and avoids a wind induced massive flying wedge with streamers that would cause a partial eclipse of the sun. If you experience shortness of breath, projectile vomiting and leg cramps from comments expressed, some individuals have lessened the severity of these effects by watching the movie “Goodfellas” and assimilated the following words into their vocabularies: yuge (huge), loser, big, classy, stupid, dumb and winner.
Ted Cruz – Others have experienced sudden cravings for Canadian bacon, Labatts beer and reruns of Hockey Night in Canada. Twitching, convulsing and bovine like gastric distress symptoms can also appear when Glenn Beck and Ted Cruz appear in tandem. Females may also experience loss of libido (sex drive for those not latin lingual), increased spinal hair and development of an Adam’s apple.
Marco Rubio – Some have experienced a general malaise, monotone demeanor and spinal weakness. An unquenchable thirst can also appear, keep a water bottle in close proximity. Rubbery twitchy leg syndrome is not uncommon. Avoid walking in the same direction for any distance, back and forth with frequent reversals will help reduce effects severity. Do not, under any circumstances operate heavy machinery, juggle chain saws or sharpen knives while listening to candidates stance on NSA surveillance or immigration reform.
John Kasich – You might experience a reoccuring eruption of a boil or cold sore. Sore neck and or painful feeling while sitting is common. Some may experience unconscious need to talk excessively, this can be stopped by chewing on tin foil. In rare cases, heads could explode if exposed to candidates explanation of taking increased Medicaid funding with Obamacare passage.

Well gotta go! To avoid long term injury, please consult your doctor if you experience an election viewing lasting more than 4 hours.

Kris Harris moved to Longmont in 1960
and is a product of Longmont public schools
and the University of Northern Colorado.
He believes that sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.