Dear Jiminy – What’s all this fuss over an “M&M Display” in the “Billiards Clothing Store” at the Mall? My deceased husband Wilbur used to tell the grandkids that the “m” logo on each candy was hand-painted by selfish children as punishment for eating brown and green ones without saving them for their grandpa. If you ask me, it seems there’s way too much hand-wringing and waste of ink over such a minor issue. Now if folks really want to get their knickers in a bunch, they should be concerned about the trouble with having a “Billiards Clothing Store” at the Mall. That’s Trouble with a capital “T” and that rhymes with “P” and that stands for Pool! I’ve seen a few of the professional pool tournaments on TV and the clothes the women wear, my word! They wear these slinky low cut blouses and skintight pants that would put Kansas City floozies to shame! What the City of Longmont and Billiards Clothing Store need to focus on is clearing out this “smut-wear” and the severe shortage of belts and suspenders for teenagers whose pants are displayed at “half-mast.” Little chocolate candy on display is OK in my book, but having a store that sells “eye candy” clothes that encourages women to dress like Jezebels is not. Also, can’t you start a campaign to collect belts and suspenders for Billiards Clothing Store so our youth can cinch up their trousers? I know you can come up with something people will get behind! – Emilee Patella
Dear Emilee – Where do I begin? I could use a “good belt” myself about now. The hot issue in Longmont isn’t an “M&M” Display” in the local “Billiards Clothing Store,” it is the City of Longmont deciding to enact “eminent domain” on the local “Dillards Clothing Store” at the Mall. To simplify the recap of this complex negotiation process, I’ve decided use a fictional transaction involving the “Three Stooges.” Suppose Curly (New Mark Merill – Developer) and Larry (Dillards Clothing Store) argue over the design and improvements they’re going to make to their run-down clubhouse that includes Larry’s personal room. After months of eye pokes, nose pulls and ear slaps, the boys are at an impasse. Curly has offered to give Larry 3 hot dogs, if he’ll give up his room in the clubhouse and any input on the remodel. Larry says it will take at least 5 hot dogs. No agreement is reached and they miss a development plan deadline. Curly complains to Moe (City of Longmont), who once the clubhouse is remodeled, gets to charge admission and show it off to his buddies. Moe works up a final offer of 3 hot dogs (to be paid by Curly) after dropping a bowling ball on Larry’s foot. Moe then warns Larry that if he doesn’t accept this offer, he will bring in his friend Judge Dewey Cheatam to set a final price. I hope this clears up your confusion over the issue Emilee. Oh by the way, do you know who saggy pants wearers should see for accounting advice? A CPA that specializes in covering arrears, assets and GAAP accounting, “Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk.”
Dear Jiminy – Never mind. – Emilee