Author: krisjharris (Page 1 of 2)

“You Can Observe a Lot by Just Watching” – Yogi Berra

It was February. I’m in beautiful Detroit Airport, words you might never see together again – beautiful and Detroit, but the remodel is fabulous. Just finished a business trip, was sitting at a bar waiting for my flight home. Seven other humanoids bellied up to the bar for a drink or lunch…(since it was Detroit, I’m guessing drink). All held their cell phones intently staring at the screen, like B-17 bombardiers over Dresden and Nazi Germany during WWII. Once their bombs were away, the real bombardiers probably turned their attention to those around them. Too many people today, the “Down Nosers,” seem to be on an eternal “bombing run.” I asked a person to pass me the mustard. They grudgingly obliged, you would have thought I had said “Red Wings Suck.” Think “Segregation” died? Think again. It just morphed into every race, color and creed being ignored because none of them exist in the “Down Nosers” world, unless connected through their screens. Interaction, conversation, fugetaboutit! I loved the original Star Trek TV series in the late 1960’s. The workhorse tools were the “Communicator” and “Tricorder.” The “Communicator,” was a flip open communication device similar to our cell phone and the “Tricorder” gave environmental readings, close to a tablet today. These were tools used by the Star Trek characters, not security blanket talismans dominating their lives. They explored and conversed with strange new beings and creatures they encountered face to face, “Good God Man!” The show’s opening….. Space: The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise,
Its 5 year mission: To explore strange new worlds – To seek out new life and new civilizations -To boldly go where no man has gone before, might have had different results had the Enterprise’s crew been “Down Nosers” back in the day. For example:

Captain Kirk: “Scotty…..beam me up.” Scotty: “No response.” Captain Kirk: “Scotty….beam me up!” Scotty: “No response.” Captain Kirk: “Scotty…I’ve got this green lizard, “Zorn” about to kill me with its breath, BEAM…ME…UP!” Captain Kirk materializes in the “Transporter” room, yells at Scotty, “why….. didn’t you respond!” Scotty: “Ah wis texting Mr. Checkov, he sent me Th’ latest calendar holograms of Th’ “Kelvan Wummin,”some “bonnie lasses” those, Whit’s that Awfy Reek ‘n’ why’s that green lizard standing behind ye Captain?”

*Lieutenant Uhura: “Captain, Starfleet sent a red alert saying a sizable mass of anti-matter is approaching us.”Captain Kirk: “Mr Spock……what does your console reading show?” Mr. Spock: “Console reading? Oh a I don’t show any threat heading our way.” Captain Kirk: “Spock….monitor and alert me to any threat.” Sulu: “Captain look at the viewscreen, a huge negative energy amoeba is heading right for us!” Captain Kirk: “Take…evasive action Mr. Sulu!” (Captain runs to Spock’s Science Console. Spock hunched over playing a video game) Captain Kirk: “Spock, what…..are you doing?” Spock: “It’s her fault Jim (pointing to Uhura). What do you think she does when not playing “Inter-Galactic” operator? She plays “Angry Tribbles,” and it’s done a reverse “mind meld” on me,” but I’m almost to the highest level.” Captain Kirk: (turns to Dr. McCoy) “Bones can you please return Mr. Spock to his normal self?” Dr. McCoy: “Jim I’m a doctor not a Vulcan lobotomist!”

Well gotta go, the female humanoid life-form in our house has her phaser set to “stun” if I don’t get the chlorophyll loaded landscape covering sculpted soon. “Live Long and Perspire!”

“When written in Chinese, the word ‘crisis’ is composed of two characters.
One represents danger and the other represents opportunity.”
John F. Kennedy
Hard to ignore any of the recent articles being published regarding the pox that is fracking. It’s “purported” negative assault on air, land and water has convinced me that this process has to be the most damaging and invasive environmental ‘crisis’ we as the race called “human” have ever faced. Yes, even worse than the global catastrophic famines predicted in the 1970’s, Y2K in 2000, and the current global climate “not cooperating with scientist’s computer models” crisis. As a public service, I’d like to show how the following maladies are also as a direct result of hydraulic fracking:
Halitosis (Bad Breath) – No secret that your toothbrush (made of plastic) is a petroleum by-product as are many popular toothpastes and mouthwashes. Petroleum is used in the blue color dyes to give the appearance of being ‘minty fresh’ as advertised and in certain sweeteners to enhance the taste. If you are a true anti-fracking disciple, you’ll forgo these evil conveniences derived from fracking and migrate to other types of oral hygiene tools similar to what folks in other parts of the world use, such as twigs or fingers for a toothbrush and brick, charcoal, mud, salt or ash as a toothpaste substitute. Remember brush twice daily…
Petro Phobia Distemper – Symptoms include foaming at the mouth, compulsion to make protest signs and spew venomous invective and spittle in public spaces and meetings. Can be cured after the victim does a petroleum cleanse and eschews all transportation, heating-cooling, power, electrical devices, clothes and other products connected to the petroleum industry, then discovers “hemp” underwear is uncomfortable and itchy, leading them back to a more balanced view of fracking.
Frackenstein Phobia – A fairly recent phobia, its sufferers have developed an intense fear of burly oil field workers toiling at their well sites all day and night then going into town to relax with a beer or two. But it never is just a few beers, is it? They over-imbibe and decide to go on a monstrous destructive rampage, targeting any vehicle that is deemed environmentally friendly or anti-fracking…think Honda, Subaru, Volvo, Prius or (gasp) any electric vehicle. Folks stricken with this phobia have purchased Ford, Dodge or Chevy pickups with gun racks and bumper stickers that say “American Oil from American Soil” to drive for a night out on the town.
ED – You’ve seen the TV commercials, usually during sporting events, particularly golf. An attentive man is focused not on his remote, but on a woman, he displays a gaze similar to a lion tracking a wildebeest on the Serengeti. They whisper something (I’m guessing) besides, “hey, let’s balance our check book” and then we’re back at the golf tournament, usually a shot of the “Snoopy Blimp” flying over the course. This malady, usually affecting men, has grown since they’ve started to worry that environmentalists might have fracking banned, thus causing a gasoline shortage, which will mean longer lines to put gas in their sports cars, which will cause them to be late for the “when the time is right” moment at home. Well gotta go. My wife just appeared in the doorway of my office, what perfect timing….I just finished this article….Grrrrrrr.

Made the annual trek to “We’re So Glad to See You, Now Empty Your Pockets” (Las Vegas) with my good pals, Nelly, Iron Mike and MFO (My Favorite Okie) last week for the Pac-12 and Mountain West Basketball Tournaments. We saw great contests with sweating individuals striving against all odds to master their opponents and win. Then we left the “Blackjack” tables to go watch the basketball games…Every school has individuals that sacrifice much, train for years, exhibit school pride and don the sweaty, itchy uniform that represents the school mascot. You know them by the company they keep…..the exuberant school band, the sprightly cheerleaders and the nodding off security guard sitting nearby, hoping he doesn’t have to move to keep fans from spilling onto the floor. While watching a contest between the basketeers from UCLA and Stanford, a time out was called and the Stanford mascot trundled out onto the court. I expected to see a costumed heroic individual or an aggressive, powerful animal leap onto the court to incite and motivate the faithful to greater cheers. I just about choked on my “Dippin-Dots” when I gazed upon the Stanford mascot….it was a tree or shrub looking monstrosity derived from “El Palo Alto”, a redwood tree on both the official seal of the University and the municipal seal of Palo Alto, Stanford’s nearby city. I sat frozen, with “Dippin-Dots” on my lips and a slack-jawed stare. A tree or shrub as an unofficial mascot? Seeing this would have driven Bobby Knight to throw the whole dining room set across the floor+ and Jerry Tarkanian to bite clean through his lucky towel*. The official Stanford team name is “Cardinal,” the color…you know deep red. Guess the tree makes more sense than a color swatch running around. Maybe I need to broaden the scope of my Cro-Magnon twitchings and uber macho sensibilities. The Stanford shrub or tree may be ahead of the politically correct curve. We really need other teams to get onboard the PC train and get a move on. Some of my mascot makeover suggestions are:

Colorado State University “Ewe-Hoos,” formerly Rams. Ok, Rams suggest aggressive and male, but darn it…women make up 50% of the population and 100% of the key decision makers, when you pull the wool off our eyes.

University of Colorado “Chipaloes,” formerly Buffaloes. To be exact, Bison roamed the Plains not Buffaloes, but this change should satisfy PETA. Instead of “Ralphie” leading the charges out on those bright autumnal Saturdays, “Chip” the “bipedal” mascot will be let loose with two red-eyed Cheech and Chong look a likes tethered and leading him/her/it around the football field and into the stock trailer.

University of Wyoming “Cowpersons,” formerly Cowboys. More gender neutral and how can we allow the “Pistol Pete” mascot to carry six shooter guns in his holster? Time to soften his 1800’s image and replace his guns with bottles of sarsaparilla.

San Diego State “Lardtecs,” formerly Aztecs. A fierce looking warrior dressed as an Aztec needs to be replaced by a mascot representing a lesser know tribe shown in temple ruin drawings as portly, eating what looks to be triangle shaped maize objects that have been dipped in a bowl with a red sauce…..yes this is the seldom mentioned “Lardtecs.” Known more for their fierce eating style and gluttony, only fighting for seconds at the Mesoamerica buffet. The mascot costume will probably need to be inhabited by a “big boned” person.

University of Nevada Las Vegas “Disenfranchised Southerners,” formerly Rebels. Just going along with the current trend to revise history. All the athletic teams will have to have a much smaller letter font on their uniforms…..I would sure miss their current chant, “Rebbb…els, Rebbb…els.”

Well gotta go, my little “Ewe-Hoo” (wife) just brought some triangle shaped maize objects with sauce down to me, “Roll Lardtecs Roll!”

+ Former U of Indiana Basketball coach…1985 chair throwing incident vs Purdue U.

*Former UNLV Basketball coach….always chewed a towel during games.

Male, n. A member of the unconsidered or negligible sex. The male of the human race is commonly know (to the female) as Mere Man. The genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.

Ambrose Bierce – The Devil’s Dictionary

Well maybe Ol’ Ambrose’s definition of women’s attitude towards men is a little harsh and a sweeping indictment, he wasn’t called “Bitter Bierce” for nothing. Portrayals of men in popular culture hasn’t been very flattering over the past decades. Either we’re a bunch of bumbling idiots or maniacal killing machines. Recent news that women are either the leading or sole breadwinners in American households has spurred some people to ask the question: Why do we need men? Nationally syndicated columnists and authors Maureen Dowd and Kathleen Parker have inquired. Dowd wrote a book in 2005 titled, “Are Men Necessary?” Parker wrote in a recent column, “Despite certain imperfections, men are fundamentally good and sort of pleasant to have around. Most women still like to fall in love with them; all children want a father no matter how often we try to persuade ourselves otherwise.” In defense of my testosterone teammates, I’ve compiled the following reasons why I believe men are still needed:

Lid Liberators – You’ve got girlfriends over for a wedding shower or a jewelry party (I don’t know what’s in vogue now, remember I’m a male) and you break out your prized canned beets, but the lid on the jar is on tighter than a pair of 70’s jeans. Everyone gives it a shot, but due to fingernail concerns or “NFE” (no forearms evident), the lid stays put. But wait, you summon Mr. Man, who is downstairs watching “Lawn Bowling with Yard Gnomes” or “Caddyshack” for the 50^th time. This is the perfect audience for him, as he nonchalantly grips the jar and applies his no sweat twist….voila, the lids off without missing a beet.
Keepers of the Barbeque Flame – Notice who is “manning” the grill when it’s time to put a char on a piece of meat or soy burger? Men. There is a genetic explanation for this. After many millennium, men’s hands have perfectly evolved to provide a perfect fit for a beer can and a BBQ implement. Oh sure women can grill, but they are going against nature in doing so.
Bump in the Night Responders – It’s 2am in the morning and there’s an unfamiliar sound in another part of your house. Guess who usually gets the nod to go investigate? You’re right! The XY Chromie Homie. We aren’t excited to do it, but feel it’s our duty to protect home and hearth, besides it’s a good excuse to visit the bathroom.
Movie Quote Reciters – Need a quote from a movie for Trivial Pursuit or a conversation? Many men can spend hours talking to buddies using nothing more than famous quotes from movies and then laugh at ones they’ve heard hundreds of times. Women, use this resource…..most guys are much more personable than “Google,” and we won’t track you’re buying habits.
Fashion or Hairdo Cheerleaders – Don’t we all appreciate a positive comment about how we look? Especially when we’ve left the torn shirt and sweatpants at home and dressed up. Do women appreciate a nice comment from a man (not with an ulterior motive) regarding their clothes or hair? I think most do. If men are gone, then women will be totally dependent on other women making positive comments. That is all I can safely say on this subject. Well gotta go. I just heard my wife yell that I needed to run to the backyard and relocate a garter snake to a less public part of our garden……I needed to add that to the list…..Garter Snake Relocators. Happy Father’s Day!

Las Vegas means “The Meadows” in Spanish. In the 19th century, areas of the valley contained artesian wells that supported extensive green areas or meadows (vegas in Spanish); hence the name Las Vegas. Today in Las Vegas, NV the most extensive green areas you’ll see aren’t the meadows, but miles and miles of felt covered gaming tables designed to take possession of your “green.” I recently accompanied some pals, The “Stir the Pot” gang to Vegas to watch the Pac 12 and Mountain West Basketball Tournaments. One pal, “D-Man,” after an especially prosperous hand, arose from a blackjack table we occupied and started doing the “Stir the Pot” dance (imagine stirring a huge soup pot with a large spoon). The rest of us joined in, followed by the dealer, people at other tables, people passing by the table outside the entryway, then security staff…an impromptu flash mob dance. We later toasted the “D-Man” for his spontaneous display and passed around the “Advil.” Walking the Las Vegas Strip can expose you to various exotic flora and fauna. Vegas, like Longmont, has many folks standing on street corners with their cardboard and magic marker signs asking for help. The city does have Homeless Shelters and Food Bank/Soup Kitchen resources available. I’m not making light of the sign holder’s life situation and am fortunate to have a roof over my head and food on the table, but some of the signs in Las Vegas were the most creative and yes, humorous I’ve seen, for instance:
* My Family was Killed by Alien Ninjas – Need Money for Karate Lessons *
* Need Money for Cosmetic Enhancements *
* OK – I Just Need Money for a Beer *
A Bible verse contains, For God loves a cheerful giver. What we saw in Vegas were examples of cheerful receivers. I’m just wondering what other “Help Wanted” humorous signs we might have seen, had we ventured further down the Strip…….Possibly the following?
* Sequestered White House Tour Guide – Forget About Hope, Just Give Me Your Change *
* Friend of Dennis Rodman – Must Buy Wedding Gift for His Marriage to N. Korea’s Kim Jung Un. They’re Registered at “Barbwire Bombs and Beyond” *
* Former Lance Armstrong PR Director – Need Money to Pedal My Book *
* Financial Advice on What Not to Invest In – For a Small Fee *
* Ran Out of Gas in My Electric Car – Need Money or Charge Card *
* Have Winning Powerball Ticket – Need Money to Get to Lottery Claims Office – Give Address, Will Split Jackpot *
* Wife Ran Off with Bulgarian Dwarf from Circus – Talk About a Shrinking “Euro” Crisis – Need Money *
* Lost Wallet on “Dancing With the Stars” While Doing the Rumba – Need Money for Tap Lessons *
* Intersection Crossing Guard – $.50 Per Crossing *
* Confucius Say: Man Who Live in Glass House, Dress in Basement – Tips Appreciated for this Word of Wisdom *
Well gotta go, my wife just came into the room and she’s holding a cardboard sign that says:
* Wife Say: Husband Who Overspends in Las Vegas, Has Spousal Attention Deficit Disorder *

Predictions are tough, even for the most famous prognosticator, Nostradamus. This 16th century French apothecary (medieval pharmacist) and reputed seer published collections of prophecies or quatrains about events hundreds of years into the future that have since become famous worldwide, but are open to misinterpretation. A popular legend states that he attempted the ancient method of water gazing to go into a “trance like” state to see reflections of future events. I’m predicting that he probably wasn’t very popular at 16th century “pool” parties. Party host Duke of Croissant says, “what’s up with your brother?” All he does is stare into the pool talking to himself.” “I apologize, he won’t even take time to give me the results from next weeks jousting matches,” said Yestradamus (Nostradamus’s younger, more hip brother). As I sit here gazing into a scotch bottl….er pitcher of iced tea trying to discern local events yet to happen in 2013, here’s what I predict:
Maya Goodbya
The Mayan Calendar based prediction that the world would end on 12/21/12 didn’t happen. I have information from a reliable source (his Aunt dated a Mayan guy) that the Mayan scribe, Gotsum-Iritable-Bowell who carved the Long Count Calendar calculations into stone was actually dyslexic. Based on an always credible late night AM radio show, I heard the new “End of World” date moves to 12/21/21.
Main Street Dismount Zone
The Longmont Downtown Development Authority implements a dismount zone specifically for bike riders and skateboarders, but the City’s legal team not wanting the ordinance to specifically single out the bikers and boarders, includes an exhaustive list of modes of transportation requiring a dismount, here’s a sampling: persons or cute animals riding the following: dogs, cows, pigs, horses (includes stick ponies), camels, elephants, emu, gnu, goa, (Segway to non-animal modes), Shriner minicycles, unicycles, clown cars, Soap Box Derby cars, “Big Wheels”, rodeo clown barrels, Mini-Coopers, shopping carts, balance balls. Persons using a jet pack, “Jetson” car, Star Wars speeder bike, podracer or cloud car that maintain a minimum height of 10′ above the sidewalk will be exempt from the dismount ordinance, but might face the wrath of the CQS (Citizens for Quiet Skies) airport noise droids.
Squirrel’s Gone Bad
In 2012, several TC line contributors complained about squirrels being noisy, destructive tree-rats and that the city needed to help alleviate this problem. Well in 2013 the city has enough on it’s plate with the pending revenue hit from the Fracking Ban, hope they’ve “rat-holed” plenty of money. I predict part of the Boulder County Environmental Sustainability plan will include a 50% match of the cost for Longmont citizens to hire world famous Caesar Salad, “The Squirrel Whisperer” to come and help work with them and their yard-mates. Caesar believes there are no bad squirrels just bad human custodians. He teaches the disgruntled custodians to change their attitudes and to talk calmly with their squirrels in a soothing friendly voice. Instead of “Hey you furry little humping machine, get off my bird feeder.” They are taught to say, “Hi Mr or Ms squirrel, isn’t it a wonderful day? Would you like to come sit by me, while I finish my coffee and whittle for a while?”
RTD Fare increase
Another fare increase is implemented by the “Reason to Drive” monopoly. Cue “Money for Nothing” by the band Dire Straits.

Well gotta go. I recorded the latest episode of “The Squirrel Whisperer” and Caesar Salad is going to show how to train a squirrel to saddle up and ride your family dog. Remember to dismount your furry buddy should you take them on Main Street next year. Utzul Mank’inal (Happy Holidays – rough translation in Mayan)