Category: Local Politics (Page 2 of 2)

“Prophecy, n. The Art and Practice of selling one’s credibility for future delivery.”

I’m usually not happy that another year is appearing in the rear-view mirror of life, but I say good riddance to 2013. Here are my predictions for 2014:

* Polly Want a Crumpet? I predict the new councilperson parroting a certain political position will visit a local Bed and Breakfast know for providing a classy, comforting setting for get togethers fortified with Earl Grey, Oolong, Darjeeling teas and finger sandwiches. (Is it rude to point with a finger sandwich?) This councilperson will write a scolding note to the owner (asking them not to share with anyone) saying she and her friends will boycott this establishment because she learned and was appalled that they hold “Tea Parties.”
* Abominable Care Act I predict the ambulance wreck that is the ACA gets worse next year when it’s discovered the back-end systems used for customer sign ups were being run on 1960s era punch card computers with “hanging chads” causing the majority of the system crashes. Due to millions losing their existing health coverage, doctors, prescriptions, hearing aids, liniments and poultices, many are forced to visit revived medieval bloodletting, leech therapy, humours and potions establishments. Look on the bright side, the legalization of marijuana couldn’t have come at a better time to help soothe our sure to increase pain and nausea. If you like your Shaman, you’ll get to keep your Shaman, period!
* Boulder County Commissars I predict the Boulder County Gulag will become even more oppressive with the continued central planning erosion of individual liberties unless some ideological balance is applied to the current leftist cookie cutter clone apparatchiks. Unincorporated Boulder County home-owners livid with the overreach of the Commissars in assessing a fee for the road Subdivision Paving LID (Local Improvement District), decide since they are on the hook for the majority of the road costs, will set up toll booths or automated readers to charge non-residents for using “their roads.” Boulder County officials will be charged double.
* RTD “The Gift that Keeps on Taking” I predict RTD (Reason to Drive) will present their taxpayer funded (what’s another million or two) NAMS (Northwest Mobility Study) in January with the following conclusions:
1.Our budgeting models that showed a major shortfall of revenue to fund the NW Rail Corridor would have been more accurate if we hadn’t had to use the 1960’s era punch card computers we purchased through the federal government a few years ago.

2.We don’t want to rush into making any rash decisions on this project just because we are facing a short window to complete the project by 2042.
3.Longmonters, being less urbane than Boulderites, might entertain mass transit options besides train, like oxcarts, wagon train or camel caravans.
4.We might need to conduct another study to determine what marketing propaganda will continue to prevent the people from revolting and demanding a refund of their RTD taxes being directed for other projects not benefiting Longmont.
* Longmont Police: “Topless” Barber Arrested for Operating without a Cosmetology License
I predict the female tress tamer and her lawyer will offer the excuse that she was only honoring her customers requests to, “take a little off the top.”

Well gotta go. Good luck with your resolutions for the New Year. One of mine is to reduce the use of sarcasm in my writing by 50%……would that qualify me as a “half-wit?” Happy New Year!

Dear Jimmie – Upon awakening, I gaze out my window to the east and am enthralled by the awe-inspiring Colorado sunrise. When evening is nigh, I gaze out my window to the west and my eyes are inadequate tools to describe the breathtaking “Purple Mountains Majesty” of the Colorado sunset. Tis a privilege to live in Colorado! I look out my window to the south and get to see the “Miami Crack House” on wheels that is the “gift that keeps on rotting,” Johnson’s Corner Gas Station. So, for all the beauty around me, the cat might as well have whizzed in my corn flakes as make me have to view this eyesore. Oh….but it’s such a historic example of “Art Deco” architecture, we have to save and preserve this community landmark that might cost $500 – $750K to restore! Well the crickets have been chirping for 10 years while we wait for the funds to appear. How do we get this concrete curmudgeon gone?

Peeved in Prospect

Dear PIP – What? You’re not a fan of “Art Deco” architecture? You have to remember 10 in taxpayer years equals about 1 in Government and associated commission’s years. I’ll withhold my personal opinion on what should be done with this old, truly “self-service” gas station, but will offer the following solutions to this issue:

“ED” Mall Relocation – Move the “JCGS” to the new “Enterprise Dysfunction” or “Eminent Domain” Mall and have a new owner renovate it. Since we now have gazillion healthy grocery stores, seems we could use one non-healthy grocery type store as a balance. Maybe a franchise called Un-Whole Foods or Gordo’s that specialized in all the popular deep fried carnival and State Fair fare like: corn dogs, funnel cakes, snickers, butter balls, spaghetti and meatballs on a stick and the newly popular tater wedges with a lard and ketchup dipping sauce. I bet a store like this would see significant customer base expansion, literally.

Our Health, Our Future, Our Longmont HQ – The “JCGS” would make the perfect headquarters for this anti-fracking group. It could be squeezed in on some of the limited Boulder County Open Space land. They could be truly green by just using the concrete shell with no heating or cooling systems using gas or electric or any of the many items made from petrochemicals to furnish the building. To be helpful, I have noticed a slew of discounted Solyndra Solar Panels on eBay.

RTD Longmont Train Station – With RTD’s budgeting scheme for our Northwest Corridor link being worse than Custer’s allocation of troops at the Battle of the Little Big Horn, the “JCGS” could be the perfect affordable Train Station for our end of the Northwest Corridor. The shell already has the covered train platform attached and the money saved on this plan would enable RTD to add an extra “fireman” (coal stoker) to the steam engines they plan using on our route.

Sugar Factory Visitor’s Center – Talk about historic, you can’t find a sweeter landmark to Longmont’s Ag pedigree than the hulking rodent hotel, broken down brick and mortar on our eastern border, yeah, the Sugar Factory. Move the “JCGS” next to the “Beet Palace” and it will look like a Mercedes sitting next to a Yugo. It could be a combination Visitor’s Center and Cat Shelter (for controlling, uh all the rodents). So PIP those are my “stream of unconsciousness” solutions. Hope someone acts to improve your’s and all the other Prospector’s viewing pleasure. Well gotta go. My wife just told me my deep fat fryer oil was hot, I’ll let you know how the “spam curds” turn out.

Dear Jiminy – What’s all this fuss over an “M&M Display” in the “Billiards Clothing Store” at the Mall? My deceased husband Wilbur used to tell the grandkids that the “m” logo on each candy was hand-painted by selfish children as punishment for eating brown and green ones without saving them for their grandpa. If you ask me, it seems there’s way too much hand-wringing and waste of ink over such a minor issue. Now if folks really want to get their knickers in a bunch, they should be concerned about the trouble with having a “Billiards Clothing Store” at the Mall. That’s Trouble with a capital “T” and that rhymes with “P” and that stands for Pool! I’ve seen a few of the professional pool tournaments on TV and the clothes the women wear, my word! They wear these slinky low cut blouses and skintight pants that would put Kansas City floozies to shame! What the City of Longmont and Billiards Clothing Store need to focus on is clearing out this “smut-wear” and the severe shortage of belts and suspenders for teenagers whose pants are displayed at “half-mast.” Little chocolate candy on display is OK in my book, but having a store that sells “eye candy” clothes that encourages women to dress like Jezebels is not. Also, can’t you start a campaign to collect belts and suspenders for Billiards Clothing Store so our youth can cinch up their trousers? I know you can come up with something people will get behind! – Emilee Patella
Dear Emilee – Where do I begin? I could use a “good belt” myself about now. The hot issue in Longmont isn’t an “M&M” Display” in the local “Billiards Clothing Store,” it is the City of Longmont deciding to enact “eminent domain” on the local “Dillards Clothing Store” at the Mall. To simplify the recap of this complex negotiation process, I’ve decided use a fictional transaction involving the “Three Stooges.” Suppose Curly (New Mark Merill – Developer) and Larry (Dillards Clothing Store) argue over the design and improvements they’re going to make to their run-down clubhouse that includes Larry’s personal room. After months of eye pokes, nose pulls and ear slaps, the boys are at an impasse. Curly has offered to give Larry 3 hot dogs, if he’ll give up his room in the clubhouse and any input on the remodel. Larry says it will take at least 5 hot dogs. No agreement is reached and they miss a development plan deadline. Curly complains to Moe (City of Longmont), who once the clubhouse is remodeled, gets to charge admission and show it off to his buddies. Moe works up a final offer of 3 hot dogs (to be paid by Curly) after dropping a bowling ball on Larry’s foot. Moe then warns Larry that if he doesn’t accept this offer, he will bring in his friend Judge Dewey Cheatam to set a final price. I hope this clears up your confusion over the issue Emilee. Oh by the way, do you know who saggy pants wearers should see for accounting advice? A CPA that specializes in covering arrears, assets and GAAP accounting, “Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk.”
Dear Jiminy – Never mind. – Emilee

I’ve heard from reliable sources that RTD and Warren Buffett will be holding a joint news conference today to make a monumental announcement related to “FasTracks.” Buffett’s company, Berkshire Hathaway owns BNSF railroad. As you may or may not know, a major issue causing the delay in RTD building our rail service has been costs for the Northwest Corridor rail have exploded. Originally anticipated to cost about $900 million, that ballooned to at least $1.4 billion after a review by the BNSF railroad — and mandate by the rail company that RTD pay $250 million up front to buy “operating windows” on the line in perpetuity, rather than pay a smaller amount on an annual basis. BNSF also now insists that the existing track be re-built and that a second track be built along the whole route to Longmont, as well as additional sidetracks and sophisticated signal systems. BNSF maintains that these additional improvements are required by new federal regulations which were required due to the fairly recent crash of a commuter train in Los Angeles. My source tells me that Buffett received and was so moved by the following letter from six year old Timmy Tuqute who attends Mountain View Elementary school in Longmont, that he has decided to help make commuter rail service a reality for us and will announce that today.

Dear Mr. Warren –

How are you? I am fine? My name is Timmy Tuqute. I am six years old and live in Longmont, Colorado. Denver is our capital. I go to school at Mountain View Elementary and am in the Kindergarden grade. My teacher is Ms. Summer Fields. Ms. Fields told us earlier in the year that someday we would be able to ride a train from Longmont to Boulder to Denver and we would be helping to save the “vironment.” I was excited to heard this, since I have a pet frog named “Warts” and he has never been anywhere but Longmont. On the train I could take “Warts” in his mobile condo box to the Denver Zoo to see his relatives and the train would help me get around since I can’t drive a car yet like my older brother Bobby, but you can call him by my nickname for him which is “Snot.” I’m writing this letter to see if you could help us get the train in Longmont. My Dad Stu says the rail line to Longmont is “hosed” because the RTB couldn’t manage a lemonade stand and you own the BNSF railroad and tracks where our train would run. He said you have more money than God, (I thought God had all the money) and want to give more of your money to someone called “Uncle Sam” anyway. My Dad Stu said you need to put your money where you mouth is, I put a penny in my mouth once and it tasted yucky, worse than the pebbles I used to put in my mouth. Maybe you would want to help us out so we could get our railroad line and I could take “Warts” to the Denver Zoo. My Mom Pam tells my Dad Stu to get a life and quit listening to someone call “Rush Limburger.” Anyway, Mr. Warren, all the other kids in my class thought it would be cool to ride the train, except for my girlfriend “Iget Notius.” If you want to help, I’ll let you pet “Warts” and will tell my Dad Stu to apologize for calling you the “Orifice from Omaha.”

Your Friend,

Timmy

Out of the mouths of babes, maybe we need to appeal to Warren Buffett to be a a philanthropist in the mode of a Carnegie or Rockefeller to help us realize the dream of rail service from Longmont. He holds the strings to BNSF. Who know maybe there’s a “Timmy Tuqute” out their that could strike an emotional cord with him. Anyway, Happy April 1^st!

Everywhere you turn this time of year is a 2011 Year in Review. This rehashing of the top stories while interesting, poses no risk for the word jockey. The trapeze without the net act involves making predictions for 2012. Niels Bohr – Danish Atomic Physicist and or Yogi Berra – American Baseball Player/Philosopher stated; “Prediction is very hard, especially about the Future.” Here’s my local prognostications: (Disclaimer: These predictions have a margin of error of +/- 0 to100%)
Vance Brand Airport Noise
The constant annoying droning of the CQS (Citizens for Quiet Skies) crowd finally pays off and Airport officials ban the use of the Mile High Skydiving aircraft. Instead a 2,000 ft tower with jumping platform is constructed with an elevator, relegating the skydivers to basically BASE jumpers. So the noise nanny’s get their way while the skydivers get the “shaft.” A few months after the ban the CQS folks start complaining about the eery silence, the quiet gives them too much time to hear themselves think.
RTD “Take a Hike”
Longmonters opt out of the RTD (Really Terrible Decisions) program, determined to work with a private company to get a real mass transit system. The final “back of the bus” moment happened when RTD decided to implement “rickshaw” service in lieu local buses and one Regional route to Denver per day starting at 6am arriving at 10am after 30 stops. RTD spokesman, Nowe Cant cheerily opined, “the 4 hour trek would allow riders to read papers, relax prior to work or write their thesis.” The “Slow-Tracks” light rail service would be extended to Longmont in 2040 and cost an additional $50 billion dollars…$60 billion if permanent seating was chosen over folding metal chairs in the light rail cars.
Butterball Plant
Monsanto Corporation decides to buy the Butterball plant complex as part of their GMO (Genetically Modified Organism) seed research and production division. During the ribbon cutting ceremony, 100 anti-GMO protesters armed with only 5 rotten “organic” tomatoes (due to cost) hurl them at the Monsanto entourage.
St Vrain County
“When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands that have connected them with another……” A groundswell of support bubbles up for Longmont and surrounding areas to secede from Boulder County and form a new “St Vrain County” after it’s discovered that the Boulder County Commissioners have purchased a parcel of land for $2 million dollars designated as “Open Space” but formerly designated as Commissioner Ben Pearlman’s house. Commissioner Pearlman became Country Attorney Pearlman after performing the “secret” handshake in front of the other 2 Commissioners and voting for a 3^rd Boulder County 150^th Anniversary sculpture to join the Hawk and Butterfly sculptures displayed in the Boulder County Courthouse Plaza. This sculpture is titled, “Flipping Bird to Longmont.”
World Ending 12/21/2012
Unless you’ve been living in a cave (could be a good thing if the next prediction happens), you’ve probably heard that according the the ancient Mayan Calendar the “End of Days” is supposed to happen on December 21, 2012. Recent research has indicated the date may be off by 50 to 100 years. “Whew….that’s a load lifted, guess I can go ahead and prepay my Times-Call subscription into 2013!” I predict the true date for the world ending will be the date the show, “Jersey Shore” wins an Emmy.

Well gotta go, my wife just made a 100% accurate prediction related to a snow shovel, a driveway and a husband! Happy New Year!!

(Theme used from “A Christmas Carol” by Charles Dickens)

The night was darker than daytime and the moon hovered like a bright white aspirin (the tablet kind not the capsule) as I pulled into the Twin Peaks Mall parking lot, or the “House of Blight.” Little did I know I’d drop that label of scorn before the night passed. I entered the West side main entrance, having not passed through these doors since Lady GaGa was Baby GaGa. I moved into the main body of the Mall, surprised by the number of retailers still trying to survive, including Dillards, Sears, other clothing and shoe stores,  jewelry, specialty stores and Victoria’s Secret (always felt weird accompanying my wife into the store, like I better not gaze at anything/anyone and for goodness sake don’t touch any silky smooth thing!) Talked to a few retailers about the Mall’s decline, they mentioned; the economy, mall upgrades needed, Ownership/City slow dance. This walking/talking made me weary, I needed to sit, so I found a bench near the security guard station. “Ah that’s better, I’ll just rest here a while……….” I felt a tapping on my shoulder and did the “electric jerk awake”. A guy with glasses holding a clipboard and “Marley” on a name tag jumped back. I thought, “geez not one of those Marketing Survey people, I’m trapped.” Usually I could dash to the other side of the Mall or have that, my house is on fire and I have to leave now look on my face to escape! Marley had no survey questions, but wanted to show me something. He led me past the empty Food Court, former kids play area and around the corner to the main Mall walkwa…….the Mall was packed! Christmas decorations hung, every store occupied. I looked at Marley and he said “I’m the Ghost of Mall Past. I wanted you to see what this Mall once was, everyone came here to shop, dine, view local artists work, meet friends. What once was can be again.” He led me back to my bench, past scores of kids waiting to get their picture taken with Santa. I dozed again and felt another tapping on my shoulder, I awoke saying “Marley what now”, the clipboard carrying person said, “I’m not Marley, I’m Bob, come with me, you need to see this”. He walked me out the Mall’s main entrance and panned his arm from North to South asking what I saw. I said, “a handful of cars” He replied “it’s the weekend, this lot used to be full.” We walked back inside to the office of one of the retailers who was looking at his latest financial statement, agonizing over how he’s going to survive if customers and sales don’t pick up. “I’m the Ghost of Mall Present”. I wanted you to understand what retailers face in this Mall today.” I was back at my bench, eyelids heavy….. Another tapping on my shoulder. A voice behind me said, “Mister, back here.” Another clipboard carrying guy with a name tag that said “Tim” stood behind the bench. I remarked, “Tim, you’re tiny!” He said, “yeah like I haven’t heard that before, follow me.” He led me to the far South end of the Mall into a huge indoor ice arena. Hockey kids were working on their outlet passes, while figure skaters practiced their jumps on the other rink. We went back North past a Whole Foods Store, continuing past crowds to a large stadium seating movie theater and numerous stores in an open, glass filled Mall with views West to the mountains. Tim said, “I’m the Ghost of the Mall Yet to Come, you needed to see what is possible if you look forward”. I was back at the bench, nodding off, another shoulder tap, “what!” The security guard hovering over me said, “sir, you were snoring with your mouth open and scared away a couple of our mall-walkers….hell hath no fury like disrupted mall-walkers!” I apologized, got up, walking past Victoria’s Secret to leave. I stopped and thought, “I know Victoria’s Secret!” This Mall took a fall, but will be rebound and impress us all!

The Friday, April 10, 2009 TC front page read: “Tunnel Vision – Residents debate fate of airport prairie dogs.” Opinions varied on solutions to the prairie dogs “digging” their Airport homes a little too much. One opinion I found “buried” in the story stated, “I would suggest that there are those that have such a deep hatred of prairie dogs, that in their view, the only good prairie dog is a dead prairie dog,” arguing that people need to co-exist with the animals. “If there are those who feel this way, let them stew in their own juice or rant in their blogs and on the T-C Line!” Well I don’t know about “stewing in my own juice”(I gave that up for Lent), but I do have a solution to this problem. Why don’t we relocate the prairie dogs to the backyards of some of the “Co-Existing” crowd? Here are some of the benefits they would realize from really “co-existing”with the cuddly varmints: They wouldn’t have to pay someone to “aerate” their yards this Spring, Their neighbors could enjoy a game of miniature golf, I can guarantee they’ll have at least 18 holes. The neighbor kids could enjoy a rousing game of “Whack-a-Dog”, remember to use the Styrofoam hammers! During Christmas Season, they could dress the little “Hole in the Wall” gang up in Charles Dickens Period costumes, teach them to sing, then take them caroling around the neighborhood. I suggest they open with, O “Hole”y Night.” Besides realizing these benefits, they would be keeping us taxpayers from “throwing money down a rat hole”, and show us “stewers and ranters” how easy it is to “co-exist” with the prairie dogs. For the record, I love my dog and fish!