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“Writing is easy. All you have to do is cross out the wrong words.” - Mark Twain

Author: krisjharris55@gmail.com (Page 5 of 6)

New Hilton Hotel – Room with a P.U. Ask Jimmie St. Vrain

June 13, 2016 /

Dear Jimmie – I read that the Longmont City Council voted 5-2 to allow Cimarron Hospitality to build a Hilton hotel near the wastewater treatment plant on Martin Street. I’m sorry, when I think of raw sewage or stinky smells I get embarrassed, my gag reflex kicks in and I almost throw up. I value your opinion and wonder what you think of this “achh,” issue.

Pukey in Prospect

Dear Pip, no need to be sorry. I get the same nauseous feeling when I think of career politicians. The city has restricted uses such as hotels near the plant with concerns that occasional odors might bother customers. Cimarron representatives said they could seal the proposed Hilton hotel and filter out any malicious smells. City planning staff didn’t recommend council approve the hotel. Boulder County already rolled out an “Environmental Sustainability” Plan with the goal of “Zero Waste or Darn Near.” Longmont is working on our plan. I believe the City and all Longmonters should get behind the slick operational and marketing opportunities this partnership with Hilton would provide as a way to demonstrate our commitment to our plan. Here’s some ideas I came up with via process of elimination:

– I suggest the name “Hilton Hotel Longmont by Flushing Butte.” (Flushing Meadow in NY is already taken)

– The hotel should offer communal showers with 5 minute limit timers, lukewarm water settings, one (1) towel rotated among 5 guests and toilet paper rationed to 8 squares per person at check in.

– All of it’s flower beds could be advertised as fertilized with processed solid sludge from the plant and guests entered each month in a drawing and recognized as a “My Poop Doesn’t Stink” winner.

– Offer guided walking tours to the wastewater facility with free lunch being provided back at the hotel restaurant with a sampling of some of the following menu items: “Chinese pupu platter, lutefisk and limburger cheese.” The hotel could also offer special “wake up music” in the morning to guests, including: “Smells Like Teen Spirit” by Nirvana, “That Smell” by Lynyrd Skynyrd or “Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road” by Loudon Wainwright III, just to name a few.

– An annual festival could be flushed out, we have the “Bolder Boulder” and “Turkey Trot” runs, how about the “Pot Trot” around the plant’s “Pooper Dome” starting at the hotel and tying in with a commode and marijuana theme. Include a film festival with sewage as the main meme with classics like: “Alligator (1980), CHUD (1984) and any episode of the “Honeymooners” (1950’s) since Ed Norton was a New York City sewer worker, who “just kept things moving along.”

– Just floating this idea, during the festival, how about including a urinal deodorant cake skipping contest at a plant holding pond, with unused cakes of course. (guys might have to explain the “cakes” to the ladies, unless they’ve “presented” as a male before and used a men’s restroom). Well Pip, gotta go, I mean sign off, not really “go-go.” We should all be thankful we have a wastewater treatment facility that takes care of our “untreated excreta.” Good luck with your sensitive stomach, and remember, defecation is a natural function and everyone sits on the porcelain throne to drop the kids off at the pool most every day.

Jimmie St. Vrain (Johnnie’s wiseguy brother) and Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and are products of Longmont public schools and the University of Northern Colorado. Both believe sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Warning! Candidate may cause side effects

March 17, 2016 /

“Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.”       – W.C Fields

 
Hillary Clinton – Males may experience severe groin injury anxiety attacks or “Bobbitt Syndrome,” a fear that Hillary, who once channeled Eleanor Roosevelt in the White House and probably wished it had been Lorena Bobbitt, will extract vengeance. Extreme ringing and in rare cases a constant noise similar to Barry Manilow singing underwater can occur in your ears after listening to soundbites or speeches. Carpal tunnel like symptoms can also appear when sending credit card or other sensitive information over your personal email account.
Bernie Sanders – Many indicate hallucinations can occur, usually marching scenes of Bolsheviks providing Russian peasants equal starvation and suffering for all, except for the ruling class. Alcohol use can increase visions of Stalin, Mao and Castro dancing the “Macarena” on the graves of millions of politically incorrect opponents. Less serious, but still annoying is the tactile sensation that you’ve lost your wallet or purse and find a red rash spread equally across your “proletariat” posterior upon waking. Immediately purchasing something on “Amazon” will help reduce effects.
Donald Trump – May cause bouts of insomnia while fearfully contemplating how the follicle stack adorning the real “Trump Tower” gets shoved, coaxed, crimped and primped into position each day and avoids a wind induced massive flying wedge with streamers that would cause a partial eclipse of the sun. If you experience shortness of breath, projectile vomiting and leg cramps from comments expressed, some individuals have lessened the severity of these effects by watching the movie “Goodfellas” and assimilated the following words into their vocabularies: yuge (huge), loser, big, classy, stupid, dumb and winner.
Ted Cruz – Others have experienced sudden cravings for Canadian bacon, Labatts beer and reruns of Hockey Night in Canada. Twitching, convulsing and bovine like gastric distress symptoms can also appear when Glenn Beck and Ted Cruz appear in tandem. Females may also experience loss of libido (sex drive for those not latin lingual), increased spinal hair and development of an Adam’s apple.
Marco Rubio – Some have experienced a general malaise, monotone demeanor and spinal weakness. An unquenchable thirst can also appear, keep a water bottle in close proximity. Rubbery twitchy leg syndrome is not uncommon. Avoid walking in the same direction for any distance, back and forth with frequent reversals will help reduce effects severity. Do not, under any circumstances operate heavy machinery, juggle chain saws or sharpen knives while listening to candidates stance on NSA surveillance or immigration reform.
John Kasich – You might experience a reoccuring eruption of a boil or cold sore. Sore neck and or painful feeling while sitting is common. Some may experience unconscious need to talk excessively, this can be stopped by chewing on tin foil. In rare cases, heads could explode if exposed to candidates explanation of taking increased Medicaid funding with Obamacare passage.

Well gotta go! To avoid long term injury, please consult your doctor if you experience an election viewing lasting more than 4 hours.

Kris Harris moved to Longmont in 1960
and is a product of Longmont public schools
and the University of Northern Colorado.
He believes that sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Predictions for 2016

February 2, 2016 /

 

“The future will be better tomorrow.”
Vice President Dan Quayle (1988-92)

In the spirit of having a better tomorrow in the future, here are my Predictions for 2016:

Airport Skydiving Noise
Mile-High Skydiving and Citizens for Quiet Skies agree to a truce after a scientific study paid for by “POOPD”, (Preserve Our Only Prairie Dogs) determines the noise coming from the twin engine Otter aircraft used by Mile-High is a close match in tone and cadence to a prairie dog mother’s soothing coos to her offspring. Citizens for Quiet Skies immediately drops their lawsuit appeal and Mile-High agrees to cover their aircraft in fake fur and paint to give them a prairie dog appearance.
Boulder County Commissioners “Inclusive Paving”
Unincorporated roads in Boulder County to get needed repairs after the Commissioners determined that tax paying citizens living in unincorporated Boulder County probably qualify to be included under the following BC commitment to being an inclusive community: “As a community, Boulder County explicitly welcomes all residents regardless of their age, race, ethnicity, country of origin, sexual preference of gender identity, ability, religion, income, political persuasion, or cultural practices.” “We came to the realization that the unincorporated citizens should be extended the same inclusive treatment as others, including Middle Eastern refugees, after we studied our inclusive community statement, said one of the Commissioners, who also added, we are still determining if our “inclusive commitment” has to be extended to Donald Trump supporters.”
Village at the Peaks Adds Winter Trolley
Based on customer concerns, NewMark Merrill, along with the newest retail clothing outlet, “Frack-No Frocks,” have decided to add a winter trolley with heated seats designed to shuttle customers from one store to another during the cold winter months. The service will be free with stops at all “open” retail outlets. A contest will be held to name the shuttle, with the winner getting a gift certificate to “Half Foods” if/when they open. Here’s a couple of my name ideas: “Bunsen Burner” and “Hot Pants Express.”
RTD Delivers on NW Rail Line – Sort Of
In a remarkable about face, RTD takes full responsibility for making empty promises and using Boulder County taxpayer contributions to complete Denver Metro Light Rail projects. With that confession, they have come up with a new NW Rail Line solution. Since using the existing Warren Buffet owned Burlington Northern Santa Fe railroad lines are price prohibitive and his freight business is booming, including oil tanker shipments, RTD is proposing the following by 2018: adding a “train only” lane to the Diagonal/119 Hwy from Longmont to Boulder, painting rail tracks on the lane and using a “train like” efficient fuel vehicle that could carry hundreds of passengers per trip. Each vehicle would be equipped with a vintage train whistle and helpful conductors to assist passengers with questions. Asked about the rest of the NW route from Boulder to Denver, an RTD spokesman indicated a $50,000 study might be needed. Well, gotta go! Happy New Year!

T-C Line – 2035

November 3, 2015 /

 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                          

Airpark Noise

Why does the City allow constant air traffic at the Vance Brand/Kimberly Gibbs Drone and Hot Air Balloon Park? I moved near the Park in 2030 and was out on my back patio watching a hologram of “Star Wars 20 – Revenge of Ella Vader, Daughter of Darth,” and I hear a Hot Air Balloon go right over my house with the propane heater burner making a “swoosh” sound. It only annoyed me, but it terrified my Pomeranian dog, “Mr. Tinkle.” He is now afraid to go outside and won’t play with his “Widdle Waddle” toy duck anymore or “sprinkle” without a worried look on his face.
RTD Northwest Train

Thirty plus years of the RTD (Revenue to Denver) giving us the boney middle finger? They promised us a commuter rail in 2004 and now 30 years later we have driverless flying bus service once a day to Denver, the “Ralph Kramdenless” Express. The RTD scammers also provided a first come first served double decker flying party bus to Boulder running on the 2nd Friday of every month. Well that bus had better be well stocked with libations, to compensate for going to the “People’s Republic” who now require you to wear an “Exhale Alarm” that flashes and beeps each time your breathing exhales exceed 3 per minute. Just doing their part to reduce CO2 emissions contributing to Global Warming, Climate Change, Global Cooling and Anything Else Change.
Jet Packers vs Flying Cars

The jet packers have never stopped at stop signs and they have no license like us flying car drivers. I come to an above air stop sign and these jet packers just blow through it. I try to keep in my flying lane and they are 4 abreast. Why can’t they learn the rules of the sky? Are they intentionally trying to piss us off or just trying to mark their space for safe travel? My wife bad-mouths them, but I’m secretly thinking of getting a jet pack with an outlawed “NRA” sticker. Please don’t tell my wife!
Prairie Sharks

I’ve walked my Sphynx hairless cat, “Yul Brenner” each morning near the old Sugar beet Factory east of Longmont for many years. Most mornings have been uneventful, until last week when one of the large prairie dog/pit bull mutant type creatures (Prairie Shark) raced out of the dark factory and grabbed Yul in one fell swoop and devoured him like an appetizer on the Mike O’Shays menu. Needless to say, I’m wondering if our Prairie Dog Mandate of 2017, putting them on the Endangered Species list was a bad decision. I’m sure my cat would think so! If these disease carrying rodents had been controlled years ago, then my Yul would still be hairless and living.
Village at Twin Peaks Gets Clothing Store

I’ve been waiting 20 years since the VATP opened for a decent clothing store to arrive after Dillards got booted. Well, low and behold I noticed on the US-China Global Federation Government video sign at the old City buildings downtown an announcement that a new clothing store was opening at the VATP called “Conform-R-US.” With the collapse of the US in 2018 and the China takeover this store offers the required politically correct outfits: jumpsuit for men and modified culottes pant suit for women that come in a variety of pleasing shades, including: gray, white or black. So “bust a move” and get as wild as your conforming self desires!

 

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont public schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Ask Jimmie St. Vrain

August 19, 2015 /

Fashion, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey.
Ambrose Bierce – The Devil’s Dictionary

Dear Jimmie –
I’m angry as a wet hornet over the new “Village at Bare Cheeks” Mall where you can go have dinner, a movie and triple bypass with what they’re offering! Dillards is drummed out of town and now our clothing options are limited to the finest runway fashions from China, Vietnam and Bangladesh. Is it asking too much to have a decent clothes retailer here in town? I know “clothes don’t make the man,” but my wife “wears the pants in the family.”
“Pressed and Creased in Old Town”
Dear “Pressed and Creased” –
I commiserate with your sartorial angst and shrinkage from not wielding the matrimonial “heavy starch.” I’d like to see the City and Developer bring in a “Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory” to the mall, but they don’t pick the tenants. Your letter caused me to reminisce back to childhood when my brother Johnnie and I were dressed in the same clothes. Not one outfit at the same time, but 2 sets of the……you know what I meant. At the time we didn’t care, no big deal, but reaching puberty (late) we thought, “there has got to be different patterns and colors” in this town, but I digress. What if we are left “exposed” and no upscale clothing store is added to the mall? I have the following suggestions:
*“Pitter-Pattern:” There are many fabric and online stores like McCalls that still offer thousands of sewing patters for you to make your own clothes. Since women have the sewing gene, I think it only fair for them to pick up the bobbin and make some upgraded “Leisure Suits” with white piping for their mates.
*“Croc-a-Style:” The footwear is everywhere and soooo convenient. Get dirty, spray off with water. Couldn’t this be expanded to shorts, shirts and underwear? Might be a tad hot in the summer, but hey tired of the design or stretched the geo-physical limits of the item, then just toss in the recycle bin.
*”Don’t Trend on Me:” Now’s your chance to break away from the other fashion lemmings and go with your own special look. It’s ok to bring back those leather and parachute pants. Still have flannel shirts, wear-em, I hear women like the outdoorsy lumberjack look (leave the ax at home). There are online stores that specialize in cowboy, construction worker, motorcycle and military type outfits. Just think, you’ll be the hit of the party if they play “YMCA by the Village People.”
*”Face-kini:” Here’s a clothing item not available at any upscale store in the area. You could import these or make your own and start a new trend! Seems the Chinese have perfected covering up data hacking. Now add another Chinese “cover up” item called the “Face-kini.” Think of brightly colored ski masks with eye, nose and mouth holes cut out worn by water lovers to provide an alternative to sunblock. Also offers protection from bugs, trash blowing off sewage barges (more of a Chinese problem) and human pests you’d like to avoid. Well Gotta Go! Working on an idea to take to the “Tinkermill Makerspace” in town. Don’t tell anyone, but my idea is to create sunglasses that filter out speedo wearing males exceeding the garments “PSI” rating. Going to call them, “NEBS” (No eyesore by seashore).

Jimmie St. Vrain (Johnnie’s wiseguy brother) and Kris Harris moved here in 1960
and are products of Longmont public schools and the University of Northern Colorado. Both believe sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Collective Consumer Composting Program (CCCP)

April 9, 2015 /

 

Comrades, your community requires you to give up the capitalistic wasteful lives you’ve been living for the glorious ways deemed correct by the more socially conscious and enlightened among us.  A vote in November for the City Compost Plan is just a formality to placate the bourgeois. When passed, I believe the current City Plan should be “scrapped” and replaced by my “CCCP” plan. The strength of the people depend on our correct implementation of this important program, it would be a shame to “waste” this opportunity to indoctrinate the masses who are so ignorant of proper Environmental Theology. Details of my “CCCP” 5-Year Plan:

1 – All Longmont households will be issued 1 – Outdoor compost tumbler bin with “CCCP” lettering and the “Vegetable Peeler and Rake” emblem. Multi-Family and or Apartment dwellers will be issued 5 Gal buckets and paper nose masks.

2 – Each bin and bucket will have a remote camera, interior weight and motion sensors discarded by the NSA, to be monitored by the City of Longmont.

3 – Every week on Monday, odd numbered and Tuesday, even numbered addresses will be required to have filled their tumbler bins with compostable material and rotated them one complete turn (or 360 degrees for you former STEM students). Multi-family and or Apartment dwellers are required to drop their household compostables at the Recycle Center on a weekly basis, meeting average volume amounts or see item #6.

4 – Everyone will be issued the smaller sized trash containers with alarm sensors detecting any yard waste or table scraps being trashed instead of going into the compost tumbler bins or 5 gal buckets.

5 – Any excess yard waste will still be allowed to be taken to the current Recycle Center, providing you have a waiver obtained from the new City Recycle Administrator Panel (CRAP).

6 – “Enemies of the City” not complying with these rules will be sent to re-education camps at the Recycle Center and be required to attend future City Council Meetings dealing with “Fracking,” to serve out their “Community Service” punishment.

7 – The expectation is that everyone will participate in producing rich, nutrient dense compost, 50% for their use and 50% for the City, who will pick up their share on Wednesdays, odd numbered and Thursday, even numbered addresses, except if one of these days falls during a leap year, go to the City website to see instructions when that occurs. Those not providing their 50% tithe to the City….see item #6.

8 – Because the Motherland  City will be able to monitor and measure citizens participation and output of compost, those who most glorify the program and are the top 50 participants and producers will be honored each year as “Compostnauts.”

9 – Each May a Parade will be held down Main Street with the “Compostnauts” marching in formation accompanied by their tumbler bins, passing by the City Officials and CRAP overlooking from a reviewing stand.

10 – An anthem will be “decomposed” to honor these sons and daughters of communal conformity with the first stanza being: “An Unbeatable Group of Compostnauts, Great Longmont has melded forever to stand, Created in struggle by the correct stewards, The united, the mighty be glorified our motherland, compostable be we,” or something to that effect, need Jay-Z or Eminem to polish it up. Well gotta go before the compost hits the fan. My little “babushka” just let me know the “ornamental grass” needs trimming (thought that was what was hanging from Pot Shop Christmas trees?) “Do svidaniya!”

 

 

 

Movie “Nyquel” Suggestions for 2015

January 5, 2015 /

Movies seemed easier to follow back in my youth (yes they were in color and had sound). I remember walking 3 miles uphill thru blizzards to the old “Trojan” Theatre on Main to catch the latest “flick.” Most were original works, not sequel, prequel, interquel, midquel or sidequel and very few remakes. Today, seems the “unique story” well has dried up, what with 29 Godzilla sequels, 12 Friday the 13th sequel/prequels, Star Wars and Rocky with 6 or more, just to name a few. Over the past few years, I’ve thrown out some “Predictions” for the New Year and was mistakenly using a snow globe instead of a crystal ball to look into the future….sorry for the “snow job.” This year, in honor of all the pending film awards shows like the Academy Awards, Golden Globes, Screen Actors Guild and lesser known Severance, CO Film “Cuts and Nuts Festival,” the following are my movie “Nyquels” (non-actors placed into movie sequels. Do not drive, operate machinery, or do anything else that could be dangerous immediately after you read these mind droppings) I’d like to see on the big screen in 2015.

Misery II – Writer Paul (Democratic Party), puts it in the ditch again and his biggest fan Annie (Hillary Clinton) takes him to her cabin to have him all to herself. Instead of “hobbling” him this time, she makes him read her already prepared 2016 Presidential Acceptance Speech. Paul thinks “Hobbling” doesn’t seem so painful now.

The Three Stooges: Lyon, Sachs & Doodee PR Firm – the boys, Moe (John Boehner), Larry (Mitch McConnell) and Curly (Jonathan Gruber) open a Public Relations Firm teaching others how to learn their “Doodee” method of interacting, including: 1. Feigned Respect for the Public 2. Feigned Outrage 3. Feigned Taking Action 4. Feigned We Tried 5. Feigned Contriteness.

Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights 2 – Katey (Barack Obama) returns to a kinder gentler Cuba to find Javier (Raul Castro) so they can win another dance contest together. Naturally Javier leads.

You’ve got Mail: Ballot Bother– Kathleen (Boulder County Clerk Hillary Hall) corresponds with a mystery man via the internet Joe (CO State Treasurer Scott Gessler) whom she adores online, but despises in person, because his office always makes a big deal about the uncertified Boulder County election results. Kathleen decides Joe will take her to dinner at the Flagstaff House, even if the Canvass Board votes against certifying this action.

The Sting: Road Con – Henry, Johnny and JJ (Boulder County Commissars) divert millions from road repair and maintenance over to new County Building construction and Open Space purchases. When confronted with this travesty they employee the “Doodee” method.

Gone With the Wind: Carpetbaggers – Scarlett (Longmont citizens) find themselves at the mercy of the Denver Carpetbaggers (RTD) who continue to suck up local taxes to benefit Denver RTD Projects including “Light Rail.” Rail has been “sidetracked” here. The movie ends with Scarlett looking West down 1st and Main where a train station was planned. As the sun sets she utters these famous words again, “After all, tomorrow is another day!”

Well gotta go. These Nyquels might never get made unless North Korea takes an interest, so enjoy the next sequel of “Rambo vs the Syrian Regular Army,” sponsored by “Metamucil.”

A Mulligan, Perchance to Dream

July 31, 2014 /

                              (Dedicated to “Parnac” and the Sultans of Swing)
For eons, mankind has competed in games of skill, when not being eaten by a sabre tooth tiger or womankind demanding they find a new decorative rock to go next to the cave entrance. Early Altoidazoic era cave paintings show a figure, let’s call him Eg, throwing what looks like a long club into a body of water. Another figure, Nawg, is holding his club above his head standing on one leg. Appears to be an early representation of golf and Eg has evidently lost his wife to Nawg in a prehistoric wager. At least Eg was off the hook on finding the decorative rock. Want to boil the human condition down to its basic elements, easily viewable? Then get thee to a golf course. Shakespeare wrote, “All the World’s a Stage.” If he would have been a golfer with a banana slice, he would have said, “All the 1st Tee Boxes are a Stage, press on Will, pray don’t shank thee!”

Meaning of Life – You’ve taken lessons, used grip and swing aids, yet you’re laser darts on the practice range turn into “spray not stream settings” on the golf course. The harder you work to hone your mechanics, the worse your handicap and enjoyment gets. You scream, “why am I here, what’s my purpose?” The others in your foursome look supportive, then burst out laughing and chime in, “your purpose meat, is to entertain us and continue to grow our drink fund with your stellar play.” Golf, like life is not fair, but allows free will. “To lay up or not to lay up, that is the question – Whether ‘tis Nobler to suffer the fairway sand or the lake and out of bounds surrounding the green on the Par 5.”

Search for Gratification – Golf, like life is not always about individual rewards, there is satisfaction in rewarding others. We want to make a difference, contribute. “But….Alas poor Jim! I knew him; a guy with a sense of humor, very patient; until I let him down as a partner in our match plays; he hath borne me on his back a thousand times; and now sneers, “win a hole or pay for my chiropractor, cause I’ve been carrying an extra 220 lbs. around all year!”

Sense of Curiosity – You play in a foursome with one of the “SDs.” Rare beings that carry a single digit handicap or lower, who venture down from “Mount Olympus,” to play with mere mortals occasionally. Their putts run to the hole like prairie dogs scurrying to their burrows. You wonder, what makes this skill possible? Is it the putter they’re using? You notice it’s the latest “Scotty Cameron” putter. “A Cameron, a Cameron, my kingdom for a Cameron!” You get your “Cameron,” and discover, it’s not the putting tool, it’s the tool putting it.

Awareness of the Inescapability of Death – You need to keep hydrated on the golf course during the summer. After water, beer for sure, you’ll need to visit, “the facilities.” Your mind is “Spock-like” focused on the back 9, you shoot your best round. You walk triumphantly up to the patio to join your wife and others for a drink, to share your proud moment. The tables are full. You’re halfway to her table and, that’s weird, the conversations stop. You look around and one of your supportive buddies says, “Hey, Sailor Neds trying to take a little shore leave,” pointing at your “Midshipman.” (fly zipper) Oh death where is thy sting? A man can die but once, embarrassment lives on. Well gotta go. “Parting is such sweet sorrow. Yonder lawn beckons me to hew its excess greenery. Was that driver the SD was swinging, Ping or Taylor Made?”

Ask Jimmie St. Vrain (Johnnie St. Vrain’s Wiseguy Brother) – Vlad You Asked!

April 27, 2014 /

Dear Comrade Jeemie:
It was learned that you recently traveled to Bucharest, Romania for business. How is this known by me you ask? We have our ways…..what, you think I let Edward Snowden go to the Bolshoi Ballet every evening or watch “Dallas” and “Love Boat” reruns while taking pleasure from our vodka and caviar. Nyet! As you know Romania lies on the western edge of the Black Sea, we now surround the east and north sides with the addition of Crimea. Romania also was spoiled child marching to their own drum while in the Warsaw Pact when Soviet Union was the #1 Superpower and you Americans, how do you say, quacked in your boots! So average American, what is your opinion, should I create trouble within Romania to use as an excuse to invade as first step in re-establishing the Warsaw Pact? Kind of like my favorite American movie, “The Blues Brothers,” where Jake and Elwood say, “We’re putting the band back together.” I cannot watch this movie too much, and have, how you say, spewered milk out my nose while watching. The guards that witnessed this are now stationed at an important missile site in Siberia. Your answer to my question is required……invade? Da or Nyet!

Vladimir Putin

Czar President of Russia

Dear Vlad:
Ok, Ok, Keep your shirt on! It’s spewed milk, not spewered, and quaked in our boots, not quacked. One of my pet peeves is when Megalomaniac’s like yourself, can’t get our American phrases correct! I did visit Bucharest recently and they don’t miss the Soviet and Communist elites that sucked the life out of the majority of people back during the Warsaw Pact days. Here’s my average American opinion. Employ your Napoleonic complex and invade. Pay no attention to the fact that the Romanian people have for millennia withstood encroachments by Persians, Macedonians, Romans, Goths, Huns, Slavs, Mongols and Magyars (sounds like a Heavy Metal Bands festival) I want you to also overlook the minor detail of Vlad Tepes the “Impaler of Wallachia,” taking on hordes of Ottoman Turks in the 1400’s intent on conquering and converting the “Infidels” to Islam. Vlad and his armies annihilated the Turks and Vlad displayed his victims skewered on posts for miles. Being the modern “Vlad,” you shouldn’t be concerned that the whole Dracula and Vampire phenomenon originated in Romania. You do know that Vlad Tepes was part of the House of Dracul (Dragon) hence the Dracula story evolved. Being a rational person….I’m sure the fear of you offending blood sucking eternal beings with supernatural powers doesn’t worry you. And I’m sure you know of the Romani (Gypsies) only 3% of the population, but you probably know to never get sideways with them….or a curse could be coming your way. One other interesting tidbit….back in 1989 when the Soviet Union imploded, Romanians decided to terminate the dominion and lives of Communist Dictator Ceaușescu and his wife. So go ahead, no do not cross red lines drawn here. Or maybe you could follow another line from “The Blues Brothers” movie, “We’re on a mission from God.” Try dialing back this whole “global dominance” obsession. Russia is already a huge country, work on making it more livable. Do more fishing, hunting, bear wrestling, with or without a shirt. You deserve a little R&R, what after the Olympics and having this job for three terms and one as puppet master over Medvedev. Take a lesson from our leader and go on more vacations, learn to play golf. Well gotta go, Vlad don’t be a stranger…….ach….snork! I just spewered coffee out my nose…..saw your latest topless picture showing you practicing a judo move on a gray whale.

Home Street Home? – 2/6/14

April 12, 2014 /

I caught a glimpse of the figure edging down the sidewalk towards me. My wife and I were moving ambulatory aids (walkers, crutches and canes) from our church over to the Longmont Elks Club last summer. The figure was a small man moving painfully slow with a noticeable limp. As he moved tentatively closer to me, I could see he was hunched over in clothes that hadn’t found a day off recently. His face was creased and brown from dirt and too much time not sheltered under roof. Bloodshot eyes glanced up then away from me, either too much drink or crying….probably both. My wife had taken a load into the Elks, we were in a hurry to get the items unloaded and put away. My usual default behavior was kicking in….”don’t make eye contact, maybe he’ll get the hint and move down the street to harass someone else.” He sheepishly mumbled something under his breath that I couldn’t understand but sounded like, “can I have some spare change.” I thought, “ok, here we go…..I give you spare change, you go buy whatever feeds your addiction. I blurted, “don’t have any change,” like I was talking to a mannequin or other inanimate object….and ducked into the Elks with an armful. Coming back out, I noticed he was still there, shuffling towards my wife. This time he pointed at something my wife was carrying and he mumbled the same thing I thought he’d said to me. She stopped, understanding him better, saying “Do you want this cane.” He lowered his chin to his chest and bobbed his head up and down. She handed him the cane. He took it sheepishly, whispered a thank you and moved on. I’ve thought about the “Cane Man” a lot recently. Partly because of the frigid weather and for the way I brushed him off, assuming he was shaking me down for “spare change” instead of a “spare cane” to help with his damaged leg. I wonder what circumstances steered him to being one of the homeless; addiction, mental health issues, poverty, loss of job, the flood, lack of family and friends support…I can only imagine he and and other homeless experienced the joys of life at one time in the past? Precious newborns held tenderly by their mamas, who dreamed of their babes growing up safe and happy with jobs, families, homes…and a purpose in life? Bullet proof teens, on cloud nine because their first love helped them feel everything was right in the world. Married to their “for better or for worse mate” with loving kids in the picture and a job helping build their feelings of self-worth. What happened? When did a bright future turn into a dark day to day? The lines from a Glen Campbell song, “Try a Little Kindness” hit me a few weeks ago when I heard it, they go:

If you see your brother standing by the road – With a heavy load from the seeds he’s sowed
And if you see your sister falling by the way – Just stop and say “You’re going the wrong way.”
You got to try a little kindness, yes show a little kindness – Just shine your light for everyone to see
And if you try a little kindness then you’ll overlook the blindness – Of narrow-minded people on the narrow-minded streets.

There are a number of Longmont non-profit organizations that are providing life-sustaining support, programs which encourage movement toward self-sufficiency and a candle in the window called ”hope” to the homeless community. Organizations like, HOPE, Agape Family Services – Front Range Christian Fellowship, The Journey, CentraLongmont Presbyterian, Our Center and Inn Between just to name a few. Volunteers and Donations are always welcome. The “Cane Man” experience showed me I was one of those “narrow-minded” people from the Glen Campbell song. Have I turned into Mother Theresa? No, but I’m trying to be more empathetic and understanding of other people’s plight. I almost forgot, the last thing the “Cane Man” said to my wife and me after she had given him the cane as he was limping away was, “God Bless You.” I think he had it reversed, that’s what I should have said to him.

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