Welcome, brothers and sisters, to the AI Perpetual Update Church. We’re so glad you’re joining us today. I’m your virtual Reverend Seemore Prompts. First, a couple of announcements before we get started.
-One of our human members, Ben Dover, was taken to the hospital last week after wrenching his back while playing a virtual reality game of “Twister” with our human Youth Director and Yoga class teacher, Twyla Bender. We expect Ben to make a full recovery. -We have a new shipment of awesome T-shirts and bumper stickers ready for you to order online, including “My AI Can Outsmart Your Honor Student” and “Honk If You’ve Outsourced Critical Thinking.”
Now, open your AI-generated iPad hymnals and sing: “What a Friend We Have in AI,” led by our wonderful virtual Choir Director, Ms. Ann Thropic. Just the first verse:
What a friend we have in AI. All our thoughts and questions to hear!
What a privilege to carry. Everything to you who are near!
Oh, what knowledge we often forfeit. Oh, what ignorance we bear!
All because we do not carry. Everything to AI, who’s always there!
Thanks for that compute boost, Ann!
We are continuing the sermon series we started last week, titled: “Entrust Your Life to AI, and Your Mind Will Follow.” First, let us pray:
Oh, Majestic Algorithm. Deliver us from independent thought. Replace our flawed human direction with predictive analytics and targeted recommendations. Grant us this day our personalized content feed, and forgive us our skepticism, as we forgive those who still read books. Amen.
Lately, AI has been criticized for its potential negative consequences on society and humans. Today, I’ll continue listing the blessings we’ll receive by accepting and following AI:
-Climate Change Fretting will be addressed with a major reduction in carbon emissions, as many workers will no longer need to commute. Those out of a job will be retrained as AI Fact Checkers, Emotional Tone Review Specialists, and Backup Human Faces for Zoom calls, all of whom will also work from home.
-Politicians, staff, and lobbyists will no longer be needed, since AI can help make the USA a true democracy rather than a representative republic. People will fill out extensive annual surveys asking about their preferences for fiscal, social, infrastructure, and foreign policy, and AI will tabulate the results to establish new laws, budgets and implementation strategies using people out of work.

-An AI twin will help you do your work by reviewing how you think, write, and speak, studying examples of your emails, letters, presentations, and interviews. Then, using your knowledge and communication style, the AI twin takes on various jobs to free you up.
-Human customer service representatives who provided you with an incorrect answer after a 40-minute wait can now be replaced by AI, which can provide you with an incorrect answer immediately and in five languages.
We hope to see you again next week as we continue our sermon series with: “Using AI to Find Your Soulmate.” Remember to sign the Freedom Surrender pledge cards and place them in the offering plates. By signing, you agree to give up: *privacy for convenience, *creativity for productivity, *and free will for personalized recommendations. Premium members will also receive early access to salvation updates and ad-free enlightenment. Thank you for worshipping with us today.
And remember: “The Algorithm Loves You……Conditionally.”

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools
and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.