Hello Jimmie – I read and hear about the world going to hell in a handbasket every day. I’m worried about the breakdown of civility in our discourse, the government shutdown, the Ukraine War, Middle East trouble, crime and violence in our cities, inflation, and the possible collapse of the economy due to the debt. Everything is spiraling out of control. My wife says I’m a worrywart. I tell her she has her head in the sand. What worries you most these dark days?

–Mr. Chik N. Little

Dear Mr. Little –

You raise some valid concerns, but I’ll tell you what keeps me up at night (literally) is the lack of restrooms on golf courses, particularly in Longmont. Oh, sure, there is usually one available for each nine holes, but based on personal and friends’ experiences, this is like the lifeboat count on the Titanic – not enough! The lack of restrooms on the golf course leads to behavior that isn’t usually condoned in polite society, such as “inspecting the trees,” “dousing the daffodils,” “shaking hands with the boss,” “adjusting the lake’s pH,” or, more commonly, urinating on the course. Besides being prohibited by the authorities, residents living around the course can be forced to witness pee-pee perpetrators taking their stance, which includes: 1.) Nervous Nellie, who presses into the bushes or tree branches with their head on a swivel, hoping no one notices them resembling a meercat with a prostate condition. 2.) Mr. Multitasker, who has one hand on himself and the other on the mobile phone glued to his ear, praying he doesn’t hit “FaceTime.” 3.) The Jolly Green Giant, stands with his hands on his hips, having taken them off the throttle nonchalantly, admiring the flora while dousing. Besides leading to some angry neighbor complaints, this behavior can result in serious legal ramifications for the perpetrators if someone captures them in the act on video or in a picture and submits it to the police. Possible indecent exposure charges could result. I shared this with my brother Johnnie, and he said I would have no chance of prosecution for indecent exposure, even with being filmed, due to a lack of evidence. I pity the golfers who identify as biological women who lack the anatomical bail-out options like men to make their bladders gladder. I saw a funnel device on “YouTube” that a woman could wear that had a stem that would allow a woman to stand and deliver similar to men, called “YourTube,” but it would interfere with their golf swing. I strongly urge golfers to relieve themselves of hesitation and pressure their Public and Private course officials to finally offer some genuine relief—by planting a few more “Port-a-Potties” where they’re needed most. Because honestly, how long are we supposed to hold it—through 18 holes, three energy drinks, and maybe an adult beverage or two—before someone starts watering the rough out of desperation? It’s not as if adding a few extra rest stops will drain the budget; surely the funds can flow toward this pressing matter before tempers (and bladders) burst. Let’s not keep this vital improvement on hold any longer. In the almost words of John Lennon and Yoko Ono, “All we are saying is give pees a chance.”

Jimmie St. Vrain claims to be Johnnie St. Vrain’s wiseguy brother and Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.