Category: Uncategorized (Page 4 of 4)

Call it guilt over my; white, male, blue eyes, over 6′ tall, baby boomer, semi-literate privilege that’s causing me to present my predictions in a kinder, gentler, more PC vein this year.

Sanctuary City Proclamation: Emboldened by their election gains, the City Council and Mayor decide to proclaim that Longmont is a sanctuary city for people who entered the US while forgetting or misplacing the unreasonably required documentation. In addition Longmont also welcomes any real aliens from outside our planet to relocate here without any fear of scrutiny or reprisal. Press 1 for English, 2 for Spanish, 3 for Vulcan and 4 for Klingon…..

100% Renewable: Since we’ll have abundant 100% renewable energy without an appreciable pricing increase by 2030 as proclaimed by our Mayor and Sustainable Renewable Longmont, renewable energy won’t be the only renewable possibility to be addressed. We already have composting and in 2018 we’ll see renewable requirements on appliances and clothes. Say your 1990 Sears Kenmore washer craps out. Before you can dispose of it, you’ll have to submit a CRIP (county renewable impact commission) form to determine if a replacement part could keep your machine working. Also say you’ve got a flannel shirt from the early 1990’s Grunge period or an Angel Flight suit from the Disco period and you want to donate it to Goodwill. The’ll also require you to itemize clothes you’re donating and submit a CRIP indicating why you can’t keep them. If it’s determined they are in good condition, you have your Kurt Cobain Nirvana flannel for eternity and will need to lose a ton to fit into your Saturday Night Fever Tony Manero Angel Flight suit.

RTD Provides Train Service: The long awaited train service promised by RTD becomes a reality when they partner with Burlington Northern Santa Fe railroad to begin transporting commuters from Longmont to Boulder to Denver via their coal cars. These cars become available when environmental factions succeed in getting coal outlawed. Cars will be open aired with bench type seating. No USB plug-ins will be available, but paper face masks and Handi Wipes will be provided for a nominal fee to protect against coal residue.

Village at the Peaks Stores: Having an assortment of eating establishments, except for Tongan or Croatian themed, the powers that be attempt to appease the proletariate by attracting a new clothing store called “Roll with It.” They’ll specialize in non shaming clothing that drapes their owners in loose fitting garb hiding any so called body imperfections, like rhino thighs, elephant rear, pudding house gut, bingo wings or Shar Pei cheek tissue. Their clothes are all black with a sack like structure that you can cinch up or release as your body composition fluctuates. They’ll also offer gender neutral capri golf pants (formerly marketed to females), guaranteed to get your foursome buddies talking.

Boulder Merger: Both city governments will pursue Longmont incorporating into Boulder. Because Longmont was named after Major Stephen Long whose exploration of our area in the early 1800’s led to white settlement at the expense of Indigenous people, the City name will be changed to “Pebble,” then Boulder and Pebble can successfully merge. Businesses will be given 2 years to remove any Longmont name, signage etc and the Longmont High School Trojans will be required to change their name to the Pebble High School Water Ripples. Well gotta go! I would like to apologize up front to anyone that might be offended, uncomfortable, shamed or caused to seek shelter in a clothes hamper with their binky, due to this article. Happy New Year!

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Dear Jimmie –

I’m madder than a fracking protestor getting their car’s oil changed at a quick lube! I’ve been a loyal NFL fan for years and put up with the copious commercials, player inane celebrations after successfully tying their shoes and the penalties for hard hits. I’m done now and won’t watch another game because of the National Anthem protests. I will have many hours available for other pursuits. I’d like your suggestions on some things I could “take up” to occupy my time.

“Flipping Off the NFL”

Dear “Flipping” –

I commiserate with your Pro football divorce. I could suggest the usual pastimes, like woodworking, fly fishing, golf, painting or gardening. But why follow the herd by taking up these leisure activities? How about breaking the mold and pursuing something original and avant garde? Here are a few suggestions:

Learn Latin – Like the rest of us, you probably know a few Latin phrases like, Carpe Diem (seize the day), Semper Fidelis (always faithful) or E Pluribus Unum (out of many, one). You could join a select group of people who speak Latin, including the Pope (although he has a slight Marxist accent). Impress your family and friends when you unleash this line, “transiet in turcia” (pass the turkey) at Thanksgiving. Favorite Roman joke: Q – How did the Roman Empire get split in half? A – With a pair of Caesars.

Texting Tattletale – How many times have you been at a stop light, it turns green and the driver in front of you is texting? You honk and yell, “it doesn’t get any greener or that’s the only shade of green they offer or something more X-Rated.” Here’s your chance to provide a public service by becoming Longmont’s “Texting Tattletale.” Outfit your car or truck with special flashing lights, megaphone blasting microphone and decals announcing you’re Mr. TT. (Can probably pay for this with a “GoFundMe” page.) Patrol our streets and when you find a texting driver, turn on the lights, announce to the offender the error of their ways and that you’ve taken a picture of their license plate. Send them off with “now go and text no more”. Keep a record and let any repeat offenders know their license plate # is being provided to Longmont’s finest.

Marijuana Critic – We have movie, restaurant and wine critics. You could establish your niche as a marijuana critic. Visit front range “grass shacks,” sample their goods, then write your critique and ratings. You could produce an online site and call it, “This Bud’s Fer U” or “Dube Scooby.” I suggest you pace yourself on smoking and edible sampling activities or the Front Range could experience a severe shortage of Doritos Tortilla Chips.

Prairie Dog Village Mayor – You know this idea will resurface again and when it does, you could volunteer to be the Mayor of “Burrowville.” Some of your responsibilities might be: keeping snow cleared in between burrows in the winter, lobbying for a jogging trail and PD accessible drinking fountain or push for an annual PD music festival in the village with Three Dog Night, Sick Puppies and Snoop Dog headlining. Your constituents wouldn’t complain, send you down a “rat hole” at village meetings or torch you on the TC Line. If you need feedback from them, you could enlist the City CouncilWoman who floated this idea as an interpreter.

Jimmie St. Vrain claims to be Johnnie St. Vrain’s wiseguy brother and Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.