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Beer and Loafing in Las Vegas

April 3, 2018 /

“Buy the ticket, take the ride …”

– Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

I took the annual March pilgrimage to the Pac-12 Basketball Tournament in Las Vegas with “Allen and the Chip-hunks.” During downtime when not watching the tournament we considered relaxing with a book, touring the Neon Light or Apocalypse Zombie museums or maybe taking a tour of the Hoover Dam. Instead we heard Las Vegas also offers certain games of chance commonly called gambling. This activity consists of many different table, machine and sports betting games like poker, blackjack, craps, roulette and slot machines. We tried some of these games because the colorful tables and lights seem to entice you to play, like the “Sirens” in Greek mythology that lured nearby sailors with their enchanting music and singing voices to shipwreck on the rocky coast of their island. These games have a unique terminology and slang, for instance:

Ante: Usually in poker, meaning the first bet made on a hand before you receive your cards.

Blackjack: A two-card total of 21 consisting of an ace and a 10 or face card.

Come-out: The first roll of the dice in craps that establishes the point.

High Roller: A player who makes extremely large wagers.

Pigeon: A new, naive or unsophisticated gambler.

Based on careful observation, when I wasn’t feeding a slot machine like a sugar addict at a defective vending machine, I’ve come up with a few of my own gambling terms:

Ringo-ing: Beatles reference. In sports betting when 4 participants pool their money to make individual game winner picks called a 4 team parlay. 3 of the 4 pick winners, but one has a loser that blows up the parley.

Voyageritis: In the game of craps, a proper throw lands against the far wall and remains on the craps table. When an amped up thrower chucks any of the dice off the table, this shall now be called a case of “Voyageritis” in honor of the NASA Voyager 1 space probe launched in 1977 that left our solar system in 2013.

Sparrowing: Bettors assembled like baby sparrows waiting for mother to return to the nest with food, instead they are waiting for the days betting sheets at the sports book that list odds and the betting lines (point spreads, total points scored/over or under, etc.

Robo-Dealer: An emotionless blackjack dealer having no interaction with players at their table, in dire need of a charisma transplant. Makes Dr. Spock on “Star Trek” and Arnold Schwarzenegger in the “Terminator” look like “Welcome Wagon” representatives.

U.N. Droning: people standing around tables observing others gambling, but don’t jump in to play.

ATM Two Step: having lost money that was budgeted to gambling, a moral dilemma ensues, pull more out of the ATM because you figure you’re due to win or take your losses and become a U.N. Drone.

Well gotta go, I’ll leave you with this gambling joke: Mr. Guy is walking down the street and sits on a bench. He notices another person with no body perched on the end of the bench. Mr. Guy asks, “what happened to you?” Mr. No Body says, “I sold my body parts to fund my gambling addiction.” Mr. Guy says, “maybe you should quit while you’re a head.”

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Local Predictions for 2018

January 2, 2018 /

Call it guilt over my; white, male, blue eyes, over 6′ tall, baby boomer, semi-literate privilege that’s causing me to present my predictions in a kinder, gentler, more PC vein this year.

Sanctuary City Proclamation: Emboldened by their election gains, the City Council and Mayor decide to proclaim that Longmont is a sanctuary city for people who entered the US while forgetting or misplacing the unreasonably required documentation. In addition Longmont also welcomes any real aliens from outside our planet to relocate here without any fear of scrutiny or reprisal. Press 1 for English, 2 for Spanish, 3 for Vulcan and 4 for Klingon…..

100% Renewable: Since we’ll have abundant 100% renewable energy without an appreciable pricing increase by 2030 as proclaimed by our Mayor and Sustainable Renewable Longmont, renewable energy won’t be the only renewable possibility to be addressed. We already have composting and in 2018 we’ll see renewable requirements on appliances and clothes. Say your 1990 Sears Kenmore washer craps out. Before you can dispose of it, you’ll have to submit a CRIP (county renewable impact commission) form to determine if a replacement part could keep your machine working. Also say you’ve got a flannel shirt from the early 1990’s Grunge period or an Angel Flight suit from the Disco period and you want to donate it to Goodwill. The’ll also require you to itemize clothes you’re donating and submit a CRIP indicating why you can’t keep them. If it’s determined they are in good condition, you have your Kurt Cobain Nirvana flannel for eternity and will need to lose a ton to fit into your Saturday Night Fever Tony Manero Angel Flight suit.

RTD Provides Train Service: The long awaited train service promised by RTD becomes a reality when they partner with Burlington Northern Santa Fe railroad to begin transporting commuters from Longmont to Boulder to Denver via their coal cars. These cars become available when environmental factions succeed in getting coal outlawed. Cars will be open aired with bench type seating. No USB plug-ins will be available, but paper face masks and Handi Wipes will be provided for a nominal fee to protect against coal residue.

Village at the Peaks Stores: Having an assortment of eating establishments, except for Tongan or Croatian themed, the powers that be attempt to appease the proletariate by attracting a new clothing store called “Roll with It.” They’ll specialize in non shaming clothing that drapes their owners in loose fitting garb hiding any so called body imperfections, like rhino thighs, elephant rear, pudding house gut, bingo wings or Shar Pei cheek tissue. Their clothes are all black with a sack like structure that you can cinch up or release as your body composition fluctuates. They’ll also offer gender neutral capri golf pants (formerly marketed to females), guaranteed to get your foursome buddies talking.

Boulder Merger: Both city governments will pursue Longmont incorporating into Boulder. Because Longmont was named after Major Stephen Long whose exploration of our area in the early 1800’s led to white settlement at the expense of Indigenous people, the City name will be changed to “Pebble,” then Boulder and Pebble can successfully merge. Businesses will be given 2 years to remove any Longmont name, signage etc and the Longmont High School Trojans will be required to change their name to the Pebble High School Water Ripples. Well gotta go! I would like to apologize up front to anyone that might be offended, uncomfortable, shamed or caused to seek shelter in a clothes hamper with their binky, due to this article. Happy New Year!

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Ask Jimmie St. Vrain – NFL Boycott

October 29, 2017 /

Dear Jimmie –

I’m madder than a fracking protestor getting their car’s oil changed at a quick lube! I’ve been a loyal NFL fan for years and put up with the copious commercials, player inane celebrations after successfully tying their shoes and the penalties for hard hits. I’m done now and won’t watch another game because of the National Anthem protests. I will have many hours available for other pursuits. I’d like your suggestions on some things I could “take up” to occupy my time.

“Flipping Off the NFL”

Dear “Flipping” –

I commiserate with your Pro football divorce. I could suggest the usual pastimes, like woodworking, fly fishing, golf, painting or gardening. But why follow the herd by taking up these leisure activities? How about breaking the mold and pursuing something original and avant garde? Here are a few suggestions:

Learn Latin – Like the rest of us, you probably know a few Latin phrases like, Carpe Diem (seize the day), Semper Fidelis (always faithful) or E Pluribus Unum (out of many, one). You could join a select group of people who speak Latin, including the Pope (although he has a slight Marxist accent). Impress your family and friends when you unleash this line, “transiet in turcia” (pass the turkey) at Thanksgiving. Favorite Roman joke: Q – How did the Roman Empire get split in half? A – With a pair of Caesars.

Texting Tattletale – How many times have you been at a stop light, it turns green and the driver in front of you is texting? You honk and yell, “it doesn’t get any greener or that’s the only shade of green they offer or something more X-Rated.” Here’s your chance to provide a public service by becoming Longmont’s “Texting Tattletale.” Outfit your car or truck with special flashing lights, megaphone blasting microphone and decals announcing you’re Mr. TT. (Can probably pay for this with a “GoFundMe” page.) Patrol our streets and when you find a texting driver, turn on the lights, announce to the offender the error of their ways and that you’ve taken a picture of their license plate. Send them off with “now go and text no more”. Keep a record and let any repeat offenders know their license plate # is being provided to Longmont’s finest.

Marijuana Critic – We have movie, restaurant and wine critics. You could establish your niche as a marijuana critic. Visit front range “grass shacks,” sample their goods, then write your critique and ratings. You could produce an online site and call it, “This Bud’s Fer U” or “Dube Scooby.” I suggest you pace yourself on smoking and edible sampling activities or the Front Range could experience a severe shortage of Doritos Tortilla Chips.

Prairie Dog Village Mayor – You know this idea will resurface again and when it does, you could volunteer to be the Mayor of “Burrowville.” Some of your responsibilities might be: keeping snow cleared in between burrows in the winter, lobbying for a jogging trail and PD accessible drinking fountain or push for an annual PD music festival in the village with Three Dog Night, Sick Puppies and Snoop Dog headlining. Your constituents wouldn’t complain, send you down a “rat hole” at village meetings or torch you on the TC Line. If you need feedback from them, you could enlist the City CouncilWoman who floated this idea as an interpreter.

Jimmie St. Vrain claims to be Johnnie St. Vrain’s wiseguy brother and Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Unleash Your Fitness Animal

August 1, 2017 /

I read a story in the Longmont Times-Call on July 2 regarding the “Mother Ranch” north of Longmont providing goat yoga classes. People participate in a yoga class while baby goats crawl on them, play with their hair or just act precious, as you’d expect from tiny goats. This got me to thinking outside the corral. “What other exercise/healing therapies could incorporate animals to maximize our experiences?” The following might be less cuddly and nurturing than goat yoga. Please consult with a physician to determine if you’re fit enough to participate and be prepared to sign numerous activity waivers.

Potbellied Pig Core Lifting – Five pens contain these cute little hamlets. You’ll compete against others in the class to complete the five core exercises lifting the pigs who get progressively heavier with each advance to the next pen. With no handles like kettle balls to grasp, you’ll have to figure out how to “pull the pork” and complete the circuit with these fine swine.

TaiChi with Cobras – This strength and flexibility program requires slow controlled movements with consistent rhythmic breathing. A few King Cobras have been strategically placed around the room with their handler (whose only been bitten a few times) nearby. Sudden movements can alarm the snakes and they will absolutely strike if you’re talking on a cellphone. HaHa, just kidding. I meant to say they’ll strike if you’re texting.

Boa Constrictor Fat Wrap Reduction – Looking to take a little off the tum-tum? Lop off some lard? This fairly safe procedure is taking the back alleys of Beijing by storm. “Huggy” the Boa is a sweetheart, very docile and his handler, Lefty (whose only been bitten a few times, losing just a pinky finger) are ready to help make a slimmer you a reality. Pricing is very reasonable and based on number of inches you want to lose. Please keep properly hydrated prior to this procedure as having a 100 pound snake wrapped around your torso can cause you to lose water weight along with other bodily contents.

Relocate and Radiate Prairie Dog Triathlon – Prairie Dog extermination is viewed publicly as unsavory and too final. Ask many in private and they’ll anxiously propose a hunt or a solution for utilizing M80’s left over from July 4th. This event can serve as a community service and help solve the cost of relocation. Competitors will pick up a captured Prairie Dog and miniature life raft at Union Reservoir prior to the start of the swimming leg. The PD’s must make it safely to shore with their human competitor after the swim leg. Competitors transition to their bikes for the ride to Boulder. Each bike is retro fitted with a PD sized “hamster wheel.” Imagine the sight of competitors peddling furiously on their bikes while their PD buddies are also spinning their little hearts out. Once in Boulder, the competitors transition to the run to Rocky Flats with PD’s secured in a mini-mesh backpack. With the finish line in sight the participants complete the grueling race with their little race mates. Medals are passed out, pictures taken and the PD’s are fitted for custom made geiger counter collars before being released basking in the glow of their new Rocky Flats digs.

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont public schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

In a secret meeting at the fairgrounds, ‘Gendergate’ exposed

July 24, 2017 /

On the Watergate Scandal: “There can be no whitewash at the White House.”

Richard Nixon

The Times-Call reported according to Councilman Brian Bagley, an investigation into alleged harassment of Councilwomen by Councilmen is “absolutely” related to a heated exchange in an open council meeting on June 27. The City has hired a Denver-based law firm to conduct an inquiry into the allegations. Other City officials wouldn’t comment due to confidentiality of the investigation.

I got the call at 9:30pm a couple nights ago. The caller knew I wrote occasionally and said he had secret information on the current City Council scandal he wanted me to share. Said we needed to meet the next night at 10:00pm at the Boulder County Fairgrounds barns, then he ended the call. The next night I parked my car and walked towards the barns. After a few more steps I heard, “look over here.” I saw the glow of a cigarette in the corner of the barn. I moved over to the figure and said, “why all the precautions and what should I call you?” “Big trouble if I’m caught sharing this information, and you can call me “Large Larynx,” he said. “Large Larynx?” I said. “Yeah, kind of a takeoff from Watergate, remember “Deep Throat?”

Harris: What do you have that wasn’t reported in the Times-Call article?

Large Larynx: To summarize, a Councilwoman met with residents in May who didn’t want to see a development pass the council. One resident emailed a summary of the meeting to a Councilman where the resident thought the Councilwoman had disparaged the City Council and city staff and offered suggestions on ways to delay the development. The Councilwoman denied the accusations, but had communicated with the residents via personal email (a no-no). Another Councilman and the Times-Call requested copies of the emails be provided under the Open Records Act, but the Councilwoman’s personal emails stored on an external hard drive had crashed. Subsequent heated discussions resulted in someone making alleged complaint of harassment of Councilwomen by Councilmen.

Harris: So the Councilwoman’s hard drive crashed. Did it take her car for a spin and was distracted by the motherboard?

Large Larynx: Maybe I’m sharing with the wrong person. What really happened was the Councilwoman was dusting her computer and hard drive with a cloth or something when she accidentally knocked it off the desk onto the floor. Breaking the hard drive and losing the emails stored on it.

Harris: What was said in discussions that caused the alleged harassment investigation to be opened?

Large Larynx: I heard that a Councilman was overheard saying he had just purchased a racy new Ford Mustang and that baby was hot and she screamed down the highway. Another Councilman had complimented a Councilwoman on her new outfit after holding a door open for her and addressing her as ma’am. Also did you know the Councilwomen have separate restrooms from the Councilmen?

Harris: How high up does this go in the City?

Large Larynx: Up to the Mayor. None of the recordings of these conversations are available.

Harris: So the Mayor’s office had recordings but now they’re missing?

Large Larynx: No the Mayor never records conversations, but shouldn’t he have?

Harris: Anything else I should know? What happens if you get caught?

Large Larynx: That’s all for now. If caught, I lose my free City Golf Course pass!

Harris: The Large Larynx’s revelations seem hard to swallow. We’ll see…….

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont public schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

The Great Train Robbery

May 2, 2017 /

 

Cue: “Theme from Dragnet”

This is the city, Longmont Colorado, population around 90,000. Once a sleepy little agricultural community, it has evolved into a vibrant city on the move. You can find most anything to eat, drink or smoke and don’t worry about wearing the latest fashions, people in Longmont don’t obsess on shopping for clothes. Most Longmonters work hard and only expect a fair shake in return. They are a generous people willing to help others in need and are a trusting lot until they’ve been flim-flammed. When that happens, I go to work, I wear a badge. It was Wednesday April 12th. It was warm in Longmont. We were working the day watch out of Robbery Division on Fox Hill. My partner is Dom DeBoston, I’m Fryday, Joe Fryday. I’d received a call from numerous victims saying they had voluntarily agreed to be taxed in 2004 to pay for a train line from Longmont-Boulder-Denver to an operation called RTD (Regional Transportation District). RTD now says their cost estimates were wrong and no train is feasible until after 2040, but they still collect the tax and have used the revenue for other projects in Denver while Longmonter’s are left standing at the station. The story you are about to hear is mostly true. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.Officer DeBoston and I arranged a meeting at Denver RTD Headquarters with spokesperson Ima Fibber. We arrived at the RTD office after a short stop to allow Officer DeBoston to inspect a fire hydrant. Ms. Fibber met us at the door and led us to a conference room.

Ms. Fibber: “I hope your drive was pleasant. Does your, ahem dog, “partner” like to ride in the car?”

Fryday: “We would have preferred to take a train, but I guess that’s not happening for a while. Officer DeBoston does just fine in the car. Sometimes I let him drive when I need to fill out reports.”

Ms. Fibber: “Oh, how nice. You said on the phone, people in Longmont enlisted your help to investigate the Northwest Train Project. You also used words like racketeering and Ponzi scheme, which seem harsh and untruthful. Situations outside of our control, like Burlington Northern Railroad inflating their track usage rate and the Great Recession tied our hands. What do you want from me?”

Fryday: “Just the facts ma’am. Officer DeBoston has a favorite saying, “Don’t tinkle down my back and tell me it’s raining.” I don’t blame you, it’s the people at the top that really frost my cookies. If your excuses are valid, why didn’t you escrow the tax money you extorted from Longmont so they could look at possible private rail options instead of subsidizing your more favored Denver lines. I know why, because RTD is a bloated self-interested government monopoly, taxpayers be damned. It’s turned into a PR organization, overhyping new offerings and changing definitions to give an illusion of progress. Longmonters believed your sales pitch for a train to make their commute easier, attending a ballgame simpler or visiting a relative in Denver safer. How do you sleep at night when your actions are worse than an illegal crime syndicate? Everyone knows up-front that the syndicate is dishonest, but RTD hides behind the facade of a so-called honest government entity working for the people.

Ms. Fibber: “We’re looking to ease Longmont’s pain over this issue.”

Fryday: “How’s that?”

Ms. Fibber: “We might add them to the BRT (Bus Rapid Transit) line to Boulder then Denver. These buses have really cool new paint and USB ports!”

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont public schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Jimmie St. Vrain: Treading Water in NCAA Pool

March 22, 2017 /

Dear Jimmie: I’m filling in my Men’s NCAA Basketball Bracket for my office pool and could use your advice on how to pick the winners. Sleepless Over Seeds

Dear SOS: It’s not worth loosing sleep over a Basketball Tourney, save that for the Broncos next season. I know it’s frustrating losing the office bracket pool to the guy who is more interested in collecting Star Wars Tie-fighters than, as he calls it, “basketball matches.” Winning the NCAA Tourney Pool depends on an amalgam of factors including: statistical insight, years of basketball savvy, knowledge of team chemistry and going against conventional wisdom. Do I really believe this? No, just wanted to work the word “amalgam” into this piece. Here’s my strategies on filling in a winning bracket:

Science is Settled Approach: Set-up an Excel spreadsheet that ranks all 64 teams on RPI (Winning % and Strength of Schedule), Winning performance over last 30 days, Extended winning streaks during the season, Winning close games % and injury factors. Set up a macro to compile and compare versus teams in their regional brackets (maybe a Star Wars Tie-fighter type guy would help you). Review the results, then immediately crumple and throw in the trash. HaHaHa, if this approach worked, everyone would be a winner!

Toughest Mascot Wins: Identify each team’s mascot and judge which one wins in a head to head fight. For instance: Miami (Hurricanes) play the Michigan State (Spartans) and Iowa State (Cyclones) play the Nevada Wolfpack. Pick Miami and Iowa State to blow away their opponents.

Grade Schoolers Shout Out: Get your kids or grandkids to sit still for a while (duct tape might be useful) and create a game where you shout out “Michigan or Oklahoma State” and their majority choice wins.

Dominant Uniform Color: Solicit an opinion from your significant other on color choice, if teams have same colors then go with shades. Can’t help you with “Shades of Gray.” Charts exist online that show blue and orange dominant uniform color teams have the highest winning percentage in the tournament since going to 64 teams in the 1980’s.

Blindfolded Map Choice: Hang a US Map on the wall, have an assistant blindfold you and direct you to do a random pin stick. Team closest to the pin gets the nod. Need to know schools city locations. If you stick pin in assistant, closest team to where they were born is the pick.

Pet Pick: Get 2 cardboard squares large enough to hold a treat and team names. Place treat on each square and let pet go. First square they go to is your pick unless they relieve themselves on that square, then you would take the unsoiled square. Alternate square locations. Place pet on a diet after using this technique.

Popular Culture Reference: Pick team name that was in a song, band or movie title, line or joke, for instance: “What happens when the smog clears in Los Angeles?” “UCLA.”

Vehicle Tire Roulette: Get some chalk and mark team initials for each game at the 9:00 and 3:00 location on your tires (can do 4 games at a time) drive around neighborhood then return to driveway and park. Pick whichever team is closer to the 12:00 position on the tires. Erase then repeat for next games.

Well gotta go. Just chalked a tire on the car for my first pick and the dog “watered” off one of the teams, now I’m confused, should this be my pick or “eliminated” from consideration…….

Jimmie St. Vrain (Johnnie’s wiseguy brother) and Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and are products of Longmont public schools and the University of Northern Colorado. Both believe sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Wild Wild West Mile Marker Musings

January 16, 2017 /

“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”

                                                                                                                            George Carlin

Day 1 Jan 12, 2017 – Longmont to Santa Fe

Started early to try and avoid the cluster funk on I-25, decided to pay the piper on E-470. Lowered our heart rates and redeemed our opinions of our fellow human beings. Smooth sailing through Pueblo. Made it just outside of Trinidad, no sightings of Caitlyn Jenner or Corporal Klinger from MASH.  We continued down Raton Pass. Interesting name, did some road crew worker back in the day see a rodent on the road and announce “look at that Rat on the road”? And did Rat-On stick?  From Raton to Las Vegas, NM you’ve got miles and miles of nothing. Perfect spot for a UFO sighting or abduction. Why does this always happen in remote areas and the people abducted make Roscoe P. Coltrane on The Dukes of Hazzard sound like a Rhodes Scholar?  Making the last miles towards Santa Fe and this really happened. No good radio to listen to, so I asked my wife to plug in the iPod and play some Van Morrison. Just out of Santa Fe near Glorietta, NM, Van Morrison began signing his Gloria song. I kid you not.  We were driving through Glorietta with Van yelling, GLORIA, Gloria, GLORIA, Gloria. Is that freaky? I am now awaiting my encounter and probe with alien abductors. Stay tuned…..

Day 2 & 3 January 13 – 14 Santa Fe

Set up in Santa Fe, which translated from Spanish to English means, “Increase Credit Card Spending Limit.” The ladies decided to spend the first day shopping, my brother-in-law and me decided to head to Los Alamos where the first atomic bomb was developed in WWII. Very scenic drive with buttes and mountain vistas about 35 miles with the last few up a winding road. The town is very clean and has a modern feel to it, must be the Fed funds. We had a “blast” at the Bradbury Science Museum that explains everything you’d ever need to know about atomic bombs and what makes them tick. We could have used a 12 year old science nerd to explain what we were seeing. Headed back to Santa Fe to meet up with the ladies (didn’t have to rent a U-Haul for their purchases) for dinner at “The Shed” which is an affordable great Mexican food place. Next day was sightseeing day in Santa Fe. Went to the Loretta Chapel that has a famous spiral staircase built in the 19th century by an unknown carpenter, using no nails or glue and not central support to a choir loft. Visited other galleries and shops during the day, then ate at a fantastic restaurant called “Sazon.” Very creative New Mexican cuisine. I tried the roasted grasshopper appetizer, tastes not like chicken but popcorn. Wonder who collects the grasshoppers for them? Hope they were “free range.” More to come…….

Day 4 January 15 – Santa Fe to Roswell to Las Cruces

Got up early, made sure our Boston Terrier pooch (Domino) had unloaded prior to being loaded into the car for our drive to Roswell, NM. For those of you not familiar with Roswell, here are the 3 main things you need to know: 1. In 1947 a supposed UFO crashed outside of town strewing debris, including alien life forms. They probably were having yucks diving their spacecraft at the many sheep and cattle in the area after consuming some “Andromeda Ale.” This reinforces the warning to don’t drink and drive even for aliens. 2. The military arrived to cart away the evidence, claiming it was just a weather balloon that had crashed. People were skeptical having seen several empty bottles of “Andromeda Ale” falling out of the transport trucks. 3. A lucrative tourist industry developed attracting curious people from around the world. We visited the UFO Museum and Research Center in Roswell. It had newspaper articles detailing the entire mystery along with some artifacts and mock ups of the aliens. Kind of corny, but we bought T-Shirts, would have liked to have bought a six pack of “Andromeda Ale,” if it had been available. We blasted off for Las Cruces via Alamogordo/White Sands National Park (think of “bleached” Sand Dunes down near Alamos, CO. Hope all your trips are out of this world!

Day 5 January 16 – Las Cruces to Tombstone to Sierra Vista, AZ

Hit I-10 west from Las Cruces heading to AZ and some Old West nostalgia at Tombstone. Arrived at Tombstone after passing “Boot Hill Graveyard and Jewish Memorial?” Parked the car and walked where Wyatt, Doc and the Clantons dared to tread. The OK Corral cost $10 to view, we passed. Saw the Bird Cage Theatre where the Cowboys peppered the ceiling with bullets, saw the saloon where Morgan Earp met his demise and the Oriental where Wyatt hung. One of my favorite movies of all time is “Tombstone” with Kurt Russell as Wyatt and Val Kilmer as Doc Holiday. For my money Kilmer’s portrayal as Doc is legendary! Got the T-Shirts stained with red dirt that say, “Tombstone, The Town to Tough to Die.” Famous lines by Wyatt and Doc from the movie “Tombstone.” Wyatt: “You tell him I’m comin’….and Hell’s comin’ with me!” “Doc Holliday: “I’m your Huckleberry, that’s just my game.” Took a very scenic road to Sierra Vista and our hotel. More to follow….

Day 6 January 17 – Sierra Vista to Bisbee, AZ

Bisbee is a quirky hill town established in the 1800’s as a copper, gold and silver mining outpost. Tours are still available at the Copper Queen Mine. My wife and I walked around the mining museum but passed on the underground tour. The town is walkable, with narrow streets lined with Victorian era buildings. Our Fitbits were crying for mercy as we ascended hundreds of steps to see the upper levels of the town. The steps and the view take your breath away. After a stop at the oxygen bar (just kidding, good business idea though), we visited many art galleries and antique shops (after a few, the antique shops got old to me, ha). Imagine if you combined Central City, CO (before the casinos), Leadville, CO and Haight-Ashbury in San Francisco, CA in a blender, you’d have a close facsimile of Bisbee. As we drove back to our hotel in Sierra Vista, we stopped at the San Pedro Riparian (Habitat Adjacent to a River) National Conservation Area. One of the most important riparian areas in the United States, the San Pedro River runs through the Chihuahuan and Sonoran Desert transition zone in southeastern Arizona and is home to many species of mammals, fish, reptiles and amphibians, and breeding birds. It also provides habitat for hundreds of species of migrant and wintering birds and contains archaeological sites that show human occupation from 13,000 years ago. We leashed up “Domino” and were ready to hit the many dirt trails and see the flora and fauna, when we both stopped and looked at the trail map and information kiosk. Ok, we’re just about to walk, when both of us read the last line on the kiosk: Warning! Don’t Leave the Paths and Keep Your Eyes on the Path. Rattlesnake Habitat! We looked at each other, then at Domino tugging on the leash, checked the time (it was 12:30pm), first nice sunny day, temp above 60 degrees, if I was a rattlesnake, where would I be today? Right! Out sunning myself! Sorry Riparians, we tenderfoots are heading to town for lunch. More to follow……

Day 7 January 18 – Sierra Vista, AZ to Longmont, CO

Our travel plans changed after checking the weather forecast for the West Coast. There was a song by Albert Hammond in the 70’s called “It Never Rains in Southern California” A line in the song goes, “It never rains in California, but girl don’t warn you, it pours, man, it pours.” Rather than risk being stuck in a La Quinta for days watching reruns of Jerry Springer, we decided to head for home and finish our trip when the weather cooperates. We decided to stop at the Petrified Forest (What’s It Scared Of?) and the Painted Desert National Parks right off I-40 near Holbrook, AZ. Our expectations were low driving into the PF, but were amazed at the many miles of the 215 million year old logs and fabulous vistas. The Painted Desert also caught us by surprise with the many shades of pink and the deep canyon, almost a smaller Grand Canyon, probably a “Vente” Canyon using a Starbucks term. Decided to “canter” from Gallup, NM to Shiprock, NM and were treated to scenic, out of this world buttes and solitary rock formations that spring from the desert floor. Stayed in Farmington, NM, then experienced another beautiful drive from Farmington, NM to Antonitio, CO via Chama, NM. The landscape evolves from high desert with buttes and canyons to alpine mountain. The road from Chama to Antonito parallels the Cumbres and Toltec railroad, one of the most scenic train rides in the West. Alas, we arrived home. Disappointed in not being able to continue our trek at this time, but stoked that we got to see many interesting and beautiful sites. What were some lessons learned along the way?

Dining in Santa Fe, grasshoppers crunchy and light.

Aliens in Roswell, they crashed, should have hung a right.

Wyatt and Doc in Tombstone, were OK after the fight.

Mining and galleries in Bisbee, Riparian Park, snakes cause for fright.

Petrified Forest and Painted Desert, surprising delight.

Farmington to Antonito, don’t miss driving at night.

Local Predictions for 2017

December 27, 2016 /

“The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.”                                                                          Anonymous

My how time flies, and it’s usually in “coach.” Seems like it’s only been 12 months or maybe a year since I did the 2016 Predictions. So many things could happen next year, I’ve narrowed it down to a few I think will happen, using similar computer modeling/polling techniques that experts used to predict the recent presidential election.

GMO’s On BC Open Space – The Apparat-chicks (Boulder County Commissioners) crafted a phase out plan of GMO crops over the next few years because they know, for instance, anyone eating GMO corn chowder at Aunt Tilly’s could have a coughing spell and a bald, salamander like creature explodes out of their chest, like in the movie “Alien.” This could be embarrassing for that person and hurtful to Aunt Tilly when the guests then decline to eat her apple pie, worried it’s sweetened from GMO sugar beets. Next year, the Apparat-chicks will also require farmer/clients forego the use of fossil powered machinery and substitute with implements pulled by cattle, oxen or horses to reduce carbon emissions. Because beasts of burden have a habit of releasing methane into the atmosphere, farmers will also be required to attach a posterior limiting odor preventer (PLOP) on each animal and have them registered and stamped with emission stickers.

Village at the Peaks Additions – Speaking of emissions or omissions, who needs Macy’s or Nordstroms? I predict the mall stewards, New Mark Merrill, piggybacking on the highly popular presidential candidates will court and land a hybrid high end clothing retailer specializing in pant suits and toupees called “Pant and Pate.” They’ll also add an additional food court entity called “What a Waste Green” that will collect uneaten fast food around Longmont each night and blend with kale to produce a tasty shake for purchase the following day, thus jumping on the cities “sustainability” band wagon.

City Golf Courses – With millions needed to upgrade aging city golf course infrastructure, declining participation and too many courses, the City Council and Mayor decide to remove 50% of the grass from the fairways on all city courses and replace it with prairie dog colonies. Golfers will be required to use biodegradable balls made of non-GMO plant material and any golfer striking a prairie dog with their shot or saying non-respectful things to them like “you’re just a greasy little rodent at the bottom of the food chain,” will be subjected to a $100 dollar fine and be required to attend restorative justice sessions on animal cruelty for 90 days. Golf Course Rangers will be monitoring and wearing hats that say, “Prairie Dog Pal.”

Curbside Composting – The city begins voluntary curbside compost pick-up next year with the “Loco for Composting” slogan which might evolve into “Hold Nose for Composting” when carts are steaming in the summer sun. As a helpful reminder, your compost cart can contain the following items: meat & bones (except any prehistoric type remains discovered when digging underneath your garden gnome), leftovers (except any GMO based food and candy corn, which has a shelf life of 1,000 years), paper towels (should use first before discarding), shredded paper (except any documents labeled US Government “Confidential”), yard waste (except the trampoline your kids no longer use), and facial tissues (as opposed to other bodily tissues, please consult your physician if unsure). Well gotta go, be careful around that GMO, HoHoH

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont public schools and the University of Northern Colorado.        He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

                                     

Politician-less Democracy

September 19, 2016 /

 

“Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs.”

P.J. O’Rourke

Uber is allowing customers in Pittsburgh to summon self-driving cars from their phones, reaching an important milestone that no automotive or technology company has yet achieved. This is big news, but I’ve noticed many driverless cars already in Colorado. Humans occupied the driver’s seat, but the vehicles might as well have been driverless, as the people were engaged in applying makeup, texting, eating or reading the newspaper while in the driver’s seat. As I was driving down I-25 on my way to Denver last week, having just flossed, it hit me! No, not a pseudo-driverless car, an idea. If we can make cars driverless, why not remove politicians from our Representative Republic and move towards a Politician-less DirectDemocracy? Why should the politicians get all the perks when we as tax paying citizens could participate more fully in the waste, fraud and deception. We have the technology, this could be the Millennial Generation’s Moon Shot.(So young people, back in the day, when NASA was more involved in space projects than Muslim outreach, they put Astronauts on the moon several times). Joe Six Pack and Connie Chablis are reading this and saying, He needs to put down the hooka and get real! Great! This demonstrates what makes a Direct Democracy work! In a Direct Democracy every citizen has the right to propose a policy, then debate and vote on it. In ancient Athens (Greece) these debates stimulated people to produce Philosophy, to invent the Theatre, Comedy, and to convince people by logical reasoning rather than by imposing one? It would be a Tragedy to ignore this history. In the modern US, millions of citizens could use TV for the debate, mobile phones, magnetic cards and touch screens for voting. In every government Department (Health, Education, Industry, Finance etc.) operates its own TV channel around the clock showing issue debates. Panel members must have knowledge and experience with issues of the particular department and serve only limited terms, drawn from a lottery of experts. They will answer questions phoned in by the public. They will explain the good and bad points of every proposal. Well you get the idea. I’m just a big picture guy. Details could be worked out with some tweaks to the Constitution. We could start with the Feds then move to State Governments after we get the kinks worked out. We’d need to build a wall, a firewall that is, to eliminate voter fraud. Maybe using retinal or at least fingerprint recognition and have Canada pay for it. They are a friendly and polite people who avoid saying no at all costs and might be feeling guilty because of NAFTA, eh? Maybe all the out of work Senators, Representatives and Lobbyists could be required to attend an ethics and honesty recovery program at Positive Integrity Mastery for Politicians seminars (PIMP) before they could sign up for Obamacare and their pension benefits could be voted on by the general public. Well gotta go. I’m considering establishing a non-profit called the Harris Enterprise Initiative Solution Trust (HEIST), where you can donate and get on the ground floor of this exciting initiative. I’m still working on getting set up on a special server,will let you know if and when it’s operational. If you know any rich Saudi’s, Turks or Canadians for that matter, please don’t hesitate to contact me.

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