krisjharris.com

“Writing is easy. All you have to do is cross out the wrong words.” - Mark Twain

Author: krisjharris55@gmail.com (Page 6 of 6)

Semi-Deep Thoughts – 10/1/13

April 12, 2014 /

One of my favorite comedy segments on the Saturday Night Live TV show between 1991 and 1998 was “Deep Thoughts” by Jack Handey (creative writer and comedian). Introduced by the late Phil Hartman and read live by Handey (neither actually appeared on screen), the one-liners proved to be wildly popular. Hartman would soothingly announce “And now, Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey…”, then peaceful “New Agey” music would play while the screen showed sedate pastoral scenes and Handey would then read the Deep Thought as the text to it scrolled across the screen. Some of my favorite thoughts include:

-“If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let go, because, they’re gone, man. They’re gone.”

-“Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at the word itself. MANKIND. Basically it’s made up of two separate words “mank” and “ind.” What do these words mean? It’s a mystery and that’s why so is mankind.”

I can never reach the depths of Jack Handey’s “Deep Thoughts”, but here are a few of my “Semi-Deep Thoughts:”

*Many people say we evolved from apes, well if that’s the case, why don’t they have to deal with male pattern baldness? And if they have it, then they’re toupees are much better than ours.

*The latest craze to let people know what you think is called “Twitter” and your thoughts are called “Tweets”, are the people who do this activity called “Twits?”

*They say “you can’t judge a book by its cover,” especially if it’s on a Kindle.

*I remember my kindergarten teacher made us dance around a maypole in our classroom, a girl got sick and threw-up. The poor janitor had to sprinkle sawdust on the mess. They tell you not to swim right after you eat, what a load, they should have said don’t dance around the maypole?

*Sometimes I wonder why we care if water is discovered on Mars. I can hear the “Rovers” talking to each other going, “Where are they sending you today?” “Oh on another “snipe” hunt for water.” I passed a big lake yesterday with Martians water skiing, but I turned my camera off, job security you know.”

*I watched a program on TV where they said snakes are more afraid us than we are of them. Well if that’s the case why don’t we, in our encounters, hear them scream, slither-away and swear because they have to clean their laundry after seeing us?

*I’m still waiting for someone to invent the teleportation machine used in the Star Trek shows. Transporters convert a person or object into an energy pattern (a process called dematerialization), then “beam” it to a target, where it is reconverted into matter (rematerialization). Would be just my luck that they start the machine and I sneeze or twitch which causes my head to end up at my feet as I rematerialize. Boy would I be beside myself if this happened!

*Maybe you’ve seen a rare comment about train noise in this paper. Wouldn’t it be swell if the train engineer person learned to play well known melodies on the train whistle while going through town? Imagine hearing “It’s a Small World After All, “Popeye the Sailor Man” or “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go at 4am. I bet the train engineer would take requests too.

Well gotta go, my wife just hollered down to me that the new subscription to “Hair Club for Apes” just arrived in the mail. Can’t wait to see the “silverback slick-back” look.

Here’s Looking at You, Bucharest – 7/31/13

April 12, 2014 /

Arrived Monday morning July 22nd after 20+ hours of relaxing air travel and always pleasant interactions with airport security personnel that bring back grade school memories of Mrs. “Weenie-buns” (nickname) telling me to close my desktop in a tone that I’m sure damaged my fragile self esteem and contributed to extending my bed-wetting years. I made this trip for work and had read prior to my trip, that Bucharest, the capital, cultural and financial center of Romania has a mix of neo-classical, Bauhaus, Art Deco, Communist-era and modern architecture. In between the two World Wars, the city’s elegant architecture and the sophistication of its elite earned Bucharest the nickname of “Little Paris.” There are numerous parks and tree lined boulevards along with a replica of the Arc de Triomphe. Although buildings and districts in the historic city centre were heavily damaged or destroyed by war, earthquakes and Communist Dictator Nicolae Ceausescu’s program of systematically destroying religious structures and monuments, many survived. Before visiting, my notions of Romania consisted of Transylvania – Dracula, Olympic gymnasts – Nadia Comaneci and gypsies. I’m pleased to report my horizons have been broadened by the trip and the hospitable, kind people I met. I was also privileged to experience the “Romanian stare,” which is a cross between the look your significant other gives you after you’ve gobbled a whole pie at Thanksgiving and then squeak, “I didn’t think you wanted a piece,” and the half pity/half disdain look you get from people in the check-out line behind you at the home center store when the cashier has to do a price check on the “stainless steel j-bolt with hex nut” left uncoded by you. After I arrived in Bucharest and checked into my hotel, I took a cab back to the airport to pick up another co-worker. My cab driver Florine, spoke no English, so I used my iphone translator to ask him: When we get to the airport what is the cost for you to wait? He looked in the rearview mirror, gave me the “stare,” giggled and shrugged his shoulders….I can only imagine what my butchered pronunciation produced, possibly: Can you take me to a pig farm so I can roll around? He called his English speaking supervisor on the phone to assist. Lesson Learned: Avoid trying to speak phrases or sentences in Romanian, unless you’re prepared to wallow in confusion. I was talking with a new Romanian friend during dinner about Vlad III, Prince of Wallachia or Vlad the Impaler (Bram Stoker’s 1897 novel Dracula was inspired by Vlad’s father’s name Vlad Dracul). During the Ottoman Turks drive to conquer Christian Europe, Vlad was renowned for his defense of Romania. I mentioned I’d heard, after killing Turks in battle, Vlad would mount their heads on pikes for miles as a warning to other Turk armies to reconsider advancing. My Romanian friend shook his head and corrected me by saying Vlad impaled their entire bodies on the pikes, not just their heads. To which I said, “Sort of like Turkish shish kabobs?” Oh Oh, there it was again, the “stare.” Lesson Learned: It’s very hard to stick to your point when you’re talking about impaling. Also at dinner, one of our hosts suggested we try a shot of “Tuica,” a strong Romanian drink made from plums. I said oh, kind of like the “Ouzo” drink from Greece? The group went silent and then, that’s right, a table full of “stares.” They all said, almost in unison, “Tuica is much better and stronger than Ouzo.” Lesson Learned: When discussing drinks that are a source of national pride, better to distill the good qualities of each and not allow regional animosity to ferment. Well gotta go. My wife just brought home some Kansas City BBQ, you know kinda like Texas BBQ.

Ask Jimmie St. Vrain – Dilliards – 5/1/13

April 12, 2014 /

Dear Jiminy – What’s all this fuss over an “M&M Display” in the “Billiards Clothing Store” at the Mall? My deceased husband Wilbur used to tell the grandkids that the “m” logo on each candy was hand-painted by selfish children as punishment for eating brown and green ones without saving them for their grandpa. If you ask me, it seems there’s way too much hand-wringing and waste of ink over such a minor issue. Now if folks really want to get their knickers in a bunch, they should be concerned about the trouble with having a “Billiards Clothing Store” at the Mall. That’s Trouble with a capital “T” and that rhymes with “P” and that stands for Pool! I’ve seen a few of the professional pool tournaments on TV and the clothes the women wear, my word! They wear these slinky low cut blouses and skintight pants that would put Kansas City floozies to shame! What the City of Longmont and Billiards Clothing Store need to focus on is clearing out this “smut-wear” and the severe shortage of belts and suspenders for teenagers whose pants are displayed at “half-mast.” Little chocolate candy on display is OK in my book, but having a store that sells “eye candy” clothes that encourages women to dress like Jezebels is not. Also, can’t you start a campaign to collect belts and suspenders for Billiards Clothing Store so our youth can cinch up their trousers? I know you can come up with something people will get behind! – Emilee Patella
Dear Emilee – Where do I begin? I could use a “good belt” myself about now. The hot issue in Longmont isn’t an “M&M” Display” in the local “Billiards Clothing Store,” it is the City of Longmont deciding to enact “eminent domain” on the local “Dillards Clothing Store” at the Mall. To simplify the recap of this complex negotiation process, I’ve decided use a fictional transaction involving the “Three Stooges.” Suppose Curly (New Mark Merill – Developer) and Larry (Dillards Clothing Store) argue over the design and improvements they’re going to make to their run-down clubhouse that includes Larry’s personal room. After months of eye pokes, nose pulls and ear slaps, the boys are at an impasse. Curly has offered to give Larry 3 hot dogs, if he’ll give up his room in the clubhouse and any input on the remodel. Larry says it will take at least 5 hot dogs. No agreement is reached and they miss a development plan deadline. Curly complains to Moe (City of Longmont), who once the clubhouse is remodeled, gets to charge admission and show it off to his buddies. Moe works up a final offer of 3 hot dogs (to be paid by Curly) after dropping a bowling ball on Larry’s foot. Moe then warns Larry that if he doesn’t accept this offer, he will bring in his friend Judge Dewey Cheatam to set a final price. I hope this clears up your confusion over the issue Emilee. Oh by the way, do you know who saggy pants wearers should see for accounting advice? A CPA that specializes in covering arrears, assets and GAAP accounting, “Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk.”
Dear Jiminy – Never mind. – Emilee

Boulder County Survival Tips – 2/11/13

April 12, 2014 /

As many of you might realize, the world is a very dangerous place. And since we live in Boulder County, many might say we live in the world. Although at times it feels like we live on planet “Bassackwardsagonia.” Being that the world is very dangerous, I was so relieved to read that on January 23, 2013 our DHS (Department of Homeland Security) used its Twitter account to offer “tips” on how to deal with the winter weather. A portion of the tip sheet reads: During Winter Storms and Extreme Cold * Stay indoors during the storm. * Walk carefully on snow and icy walkways. * Avoid overexertion when shoveling snow. Overexertion can bring on a heart attack—a major cause of death in the winter. If you must shovel snow, stretch before going outside. * Keep dry. Change wet clothing frequently to prevent a loss of body heat. Wet clothing loses all of its insulating value and transmits heat rapidly. * If you are shoveling your walk and notice a Predator Drone hovering above you, do not point your finger in a gun-like manner or throw an imaginary grenade at the Drone, unless you want your walk cleared real fast. OK, I made that last helpful suggestion up. Since we need constant supervision on living in this very dangerous world, I thought I would assist Janet Napolitano, Mayor Bloomberg and Glorious Leader by offering these survival tips for Boulder County: During Anytime of the Year * Every few months, due to things called seasons, our weather becomes warmer or colder, rainy or snowy (talk about climate change). Wearing more or fewer clothes depending on this change is warranted, unless you’re a teenager, then you’re aversion to coats exceeds Governor Chris Christie’s to a treadmill. Keep informed on season change by watching or listening to your local news, making this judgement yourself can be very dangerous. * There are big rock formations west of Longmont called mountains. If you need to drive in them, be careful, this can be very dangerous. Watch the road because it can be very serpentine (un-straight) and steep, so keep both hands on the wheel and use your brakes to slow down. If you have to pull off the road at a “Scenic Overlook” to take pictures, this can be very very dangerous. Say you get out of your vehicle, point your camera to get a picture of some of the “Scenic” and a chipmunk mistakes your hair for a twig nest, startling you and causing you to fall over the “Overlook.” This could cause you to lose your life and possibly a very nice photo. * Hunting animals is very dangerous. Consider using your gun, but leave the shells or bullets at home. If you get close enough, most animals will give up. A shot with a loaded weapon could ricochet of a rock and hit a Boulder Police Officer looking for a wounded elk. * If you must go to Boulder, also very dangerous, do not wear your antler hat or make elk rutting noises. * Erie is a very dangerous place because of fracking. The air quality has been reported to be similar to Mars and I think I’ve seen video of the Mars Curiosity Rover coughing up phlegm. If you must drive past Erie, I suggest you hold your breath, but don’t hold it too long, you might pass out and have an accident. Wearing a full face respirator might help, but the police might think you’re a terrorist. Maybe it’s best if you avoid driving past Erie. Thomas Jefferson wrote: “Whenever people are well informed, they can be trusted with their own government.” Paint me distrustful of government micromanaging my life. Well, gotta go. I’ve got to drive to Boulder. Think I’ll drive past Erie with the windows down, take a deep breath, stop for a greasy hamburger, salty fries and a 48 ounce soft drink. Next snowstorm I’ll stretch for an hour prior to shoveling.

Ask Jimmie St. Vrain – Christmas – 11/29/12

April 12, 2014 /

Dear Jimmie – I love your brother Johnnie St. Vrain’s columns, but I figured he’s busy with serious questions and stuff so I thought I would ask you this question. Where in the world can a person (me) find unique gifts for family and friends? Last year I made everyone some cute lacquered Popsicle stick hot pads. When they opened them up they got this look, well the best I can describe it is the look someone gets when they just learned their car’s been towed.
Ima Little-Crafty

Dear Ima – Have you thought about making them habenero flavored Popsicle tongue depressors this year? Just a thought. Sounds like you’re gift options enthusiasm has melted (get it Popsicle…melted ….never mind) this year and you don’t want to just trade gift cards? (When You Care the Most to Send the Very Least) Well have I got some exciting news for you…I’ve searched high and low, far and wide, over hill and dale, from hither to yon….ok…ok get to the point eggnog breath! I’ve found a treasure trove of unique, recently undiscovered gifts that are sure to astound those on your Christmas list and might even give you rights to wear the “mistletoe hat” this year! These one of a kind gifts can’t be found in any store or online, I’ll give you a call, do you have any of those Popsicle stick hot pads left? Here are some of the more popular gift discoveries:
President Obama Doll – Sure to please Republican’s on your list, this lifelike doll is dressed in a copy of one of the President’s favorite suits and has a tiny US flag lapel pin that is removable. A talking pull string is built into the back of the doll and when pulled utters, “You didn’t build that….Solyndra.”
House Speaker John Boehner Tanning Lamp – Can’t exclude Democrats on your list. Want that just back from the beach or golf course “too tan to trust” look just like the Speaker? This lamp is just the ticket, it has the Democrat donkey emblem and “trickle down” sand timer on it’s base. Priced without tax.
Fiscal Cliff Bar – This tasty adult “De-Energy” bar contains dark chocolate, vitamins, minerals and a new organic, locally grown product known for it’s “ahem” medicinal properties. Once you finish one, the last thing on your mind is the increased taxes and economic slowdown looming in 2013….you’ll be laser focused on a Twinkie stuffed with Cheetos and if that’s not available you’ll gladly snarf the stringed popcorn wrapped around the Christmas tree while Rover blocks the door to his Eukanuba.
RTD FasTracks Model Train Set – Itching to take that ride on RTD’s FasTracks Limited? Emphasis on the Limited, this model train set comes with the track but doesn’t include the actual train. Think how this will expand your kids imagination, they can construct their own unique trains to ride the rails….wouldn’t a prairie dog shaped engine car look cute? Even though the box promised a complete set, you can pay a surcharge to get the actual cars that are on back-order until 2040. WhooWhoo!
Boulder County Open Space Ouija Board – Looking for a reliable decision making tool that is fun to operate and doesn’t take batteries? This board is modeled after the garnet and ruby embossed County Commissioners model….ours has simulated garnet and rubies. Easy to operate….just tap into that spiritual entity known as “SWAG” and land on that Open Space bargain. You get a mulligan-do over if you land on the Boulder County Courthouse….we’re already paying for that!

Well gotta go! Ms. St. Vrain just came down wearing the “mistletoe hat” wanting to know what happened to all of Rover’s Eukanuba! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Frackzilla is Coming for You – 9/27/12

April 12, 2014 /

Unless you’ve been vacationing in the Carlsbad Caverns, you’ve probably heard news regarding fracking. Here’s my attempt to drill down into a suitable definition. Fracking – (noun) a method of mining in which cracks (fractures) are created in a type of rock called shale in order to obtain gas, oil or other substances that are inside of it. Hydraulic fracking refers to using water, sand and other chemicals to frack the shale. Zzz….zzz…sorry I dozed off just then. I also consulted with a local teenager for their definition. “Oh fracking, it’s like what happens when the oil dudes roll up with their hunkin large machines and derricks and such! I love derricks cause that’s my boyfriend’s name, Derek. After they find a spot on the ground, they start drilling until they like run out of pipe. They then start like yelling at each other, saying “why didn’t you bring more fracking pipe!” Once the anti-fracking group, “Our Health, Our Future, Our Longmont, Your Higher Utility Bills, Your Colder Home, Your Boulder East” gets fracking banned in Longmont’s city limits and next moves on to ban it everywhere (http://ourlongmont.org/), here’s the wonderful life we’ll all get to experience, say around 2016:
Transportation “Springs” Ahead
Cars were so overrated. Everyone was in a hurry. You didn’t have time to meet new people or get any exercise using one. Today’s cars were made obsolete by no more fossil fuel and electric vehicles fizzled, unless your were good at rubbing your hands together to create static electricity to recharge your vehicle (most electricity came from a coal or gas fired power plant which will no longer exists, duh). Our future vehicles will have big windup springs with most vehicles getting 1 MPWUP (mile per windup). This will help us slow down, meet new friends and get some exercise at the same time.
Thermos Homes
Our future homes will be nothing more than giant Thermos’s (try and say that fast). These marvels of modern technology will keep us warm in the winter and cool in the summer (how does it know when to keep hot hot or cool cool?) Some thought is still needed on how to avoid breaking the seal for a minor consideration like breathing.
Return to the “Cold War”
In our new life with fracking and fossil fuels banned we won’t be the selfish power hogs of old. Our once a week showers will not be the heated variety of the bourgeois, but a cold, heart stopping dousing to stir our senses. Don’t think of it as a hardship comrade. Think of it as your contribution to the collective motherland and the next generation.
Women Fully Liberated
With petroleum products gone in our new life, women won’t have the societal burden of being slaves to fashion and grooming, because the following products will not exist: clothing made from synthetic fibers such as acrylic, nylon and polyester, or coated with formaldehyde finishes (even organic cotton could fall into this category), stretchy part of your underwear, all of your bra, plastic earrings, bracelets and necklaces, body lotion, shampoo, hairbrush, soap, lipstick, mascara, eyeliner, foundation, hair gel, nail polish and perfume. Although I’ve never been a woman, but did shave my legs for a Triathlon, I feel this is a wonderful opportunity for women to go back to making their own clothes out of natural fibers like hemp or corn stalks. As far as needing hair products or makeup, women here’s your opportunity to let the world see the real you! Remember beauty is only skin deep.

Both sides of the fracking debate deserve your thoughtful consideration to discover the truth before voting for a ban: http://www.truthlandmovie.com/ and http://www.gaslandthemovie.com/ Well gotta go, in preparing for the worst, a friend and I are tinkering with a secret Boulder Country renewable power source sure to get a Federal subsidy. All I can tell you is it involves mini treadmills, prairie dogs and tiny “5-Hour Energy” drink bottles.

Jimmie St. Vrain – “Who’s Your Nanny?” – 6/28/12

April 12, 2014 /

Dear Jimmie –

I read that New York Mayor Bloomberg intends to restrict sales of sugary soft drinks to no more than 16 ounces a cup in city restaurants, movie theaters, stadiums and arenas. My wife and I enjoy plowing through the large combo soda and popcorn at the movies and are afraid these “Nanny State” bureaucrats will continue to erode our freedoms by telling us how to live. I think the Mayor and others need to limit the size of their obese egos. What’s next? A limit on the number of breaths we can take each day?

 

Popped Off in Prospect

 

Dear PO’d in Prospect –

I empathize with your anger and frustration regarding this “Nanny State” encroachment. Here’s a health tip: I suggest you leave the butter off of your large popcorn. Then you’ll have room for a box of M&Ms. One of my favorite writers, C.S. Lewis, sums up my feelings on the “Nanny State” enablers with this quote: “Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron’s cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.” With examples like Mayor Bloomberg’s proposal, the LA ban on throwing a football or Frisbee on the beach during the summer and “dodgeball” being banned in many schools gym classes, the situation seems bleak. Unless citizens unite to repeal some of these mandates I think we will continue to see further intrusions. Here are my predictions on what the “Nastys” (Nanny State Yearners) have in mind for us in the future:

– Scores will no longer be kept at sporting events…..no winners or losers, just participants. This will keep high achievers in check and insure everyone’s self esteem isn’t damaged and egos aren’t bruised. I can imagine the Bronco game conversations on Monday mornings at the water cooler. “Did you see Peyton Manning yesterday?” Boy did he come ready to participate, he participated all game, that’s why they got him, he is one of the best participators in the league!”

– Cigarettes will go up to $100 a pack introducing a black market/criminal element into their sale. Smokers will be required to wear special helmets that trap their smoke or can smoke freely in newly designated smoking areas located in abandoned ICBM missile silos across the country.

– Pets will no longer be allowed to be subjugated to wearing a collar or harness while being led by their owners. Both owner and pet will be required to wear the same collar or harness and walk in tandem thus exhibiting equal status. And pets must be given human names like Stu or Mable, cutesy names like Mr. Chips or Princess She-She only cause them self esteem issues.

– Women, and men so inclined, will be forbidden from wearing makeup and getting their hair styled. This will level the playing field for those blessed with good looks and others on the wrong end of the mirror metric. Clowns, actors and aging rock stars can purchase special exemption permits to avoid this restriction. Well gotta go, the only “Nanny” that matters in my life, Ms. St.Vrain,  just asked me to give an opinion on her latest hairstyle. Whoever said, “Honesty is the best policy,” must have never experienced the pleasure of matrimonial bliss, they had to be single.

Frogs Like Trains – 3/28/12

April 12, 2014 /

I’ve heard from reliable sources that RTD and Warren Buffett will be holding a joint news conference today to make a monumental announcement related to “FasTracks.” Buffett’s company, Berkshire Hathaway owns BNSF railroad. As you may or may not know, a major issue causing the delay in RTD building our rail service has been costs for the Northwest Corridor rail have exploded. Originally anticipated to cost about $900 million, that ballooned to at least $1.4 billion after a review by the BNSF railroad — and mandate by the rail company that RTD pay $250 million up front to buy “operating windows” on the line in perpetuity, rather than pay a smaller amount on an annual basis. BNSF also now insists that the existing track be re-built and that a second track be built along the whole route to Longmont, as well as additional sidetracks and sophisticated signal systems. BNSF maintains that these additional improvements are required by new federal regulations which were required due to the fairly recent crash of a commuter train in Los Angeles. My source tells me that Buffett received and was so moved by the following letter from six year old Timmy Tuqute who attends Mountain View Elementary school in Longmont, that he has decided to help make commuter rail service a reality for us and will announce that today.

Dear Mr. Warren –

How are you? I am fine? My name is Timmy Tuqute. I am six years old and live in Longmont, Colorado. Denver is our capital. I go to school at Mountain View Elementary and am in the Kindergarden grade. My teacher is Ms. Summer Fields. Ms. Fields told us earlier in the year that someday we would be able to ride a train from Longmont to Boulder to Denver and we would be helping to save the “vironment.” I was excited to heard this, since I have a pet frog named “Warts” and he has never been anywhere but Longmont. On the train I could take “Warts” in his mobile condo box to the Denver Zoo to see his relatives and the train would help me get around since I can’t drive a car yet like my older brother Bobby, but you can call him by my nickname for him which is “Snot.” I’m writing this letter to see if you could help us get the train in Longmont. My Dad Stu says the rail line to Longmont is “hosed” because the RTB couldn’t manage a lemonade stand and you own the BNSF railroad and tracks where our train would run. He said you have more money than God, (I thought God had all the money) and want to give more of your money to someone called “Uncle Sam” anyway. My Dad Stu said you need to put your money where you mouth is, I put a penny in my mouth once and it tasted yucky, worse than the pebbles I used to put in my mouth. Maybe you would want to help us out so we could get our railroad line and I could take “Warts” to the Denver Zoo. My Mom Pam tells my Dad Stu to get a life and quit listening to someone call “Rush Limburger.” Anyway, Mr. Warren, all the other kids in my class thought it would be cool to ride the train, except for my girlfriend “Iget Notius.” If you want to help, I’ll let you pet “Warts” and will tell my Dad Stu to apologize for calling you the “Orifice from Omaha.”

Your Friend,

Timmy

Out of the mouths of babes, maybe we need to appeal to Warren Buffett to be a a philanthropist in the mode of a Carnegie or Rockefeller to help us realize the dream of rail service from Longmont. He holds the strings to BNSF. Who know maybe there’s a “Timmy Tuqute” out their that could strike an emotional cord with him. Anyway, Happy April 1st!

Ask Jimmie St. Vrain (Johnnie’s Wiseguy Brother) – 1/27/12

April 12, 2014 /

Dear Jimmie –

I’ve been reading that squirrels are chewing people’s car wiring. I park on the street and was more worried about someone breaking into my car and stealing my stereo or my Barry Manilow CD collection. Should I now add squirrels munching on my wires as something to fret about?

Ima Wurywort

Dear Ima –

First off, let me state, I’m sorry anyone has had their vehicle wires chewed by any animal and I can guarantee your Barry Manilow CD collection is safe. As for squirrels chewing your wiring, I would think there’s a greater chance a pack of wolverines descend on your home, kick you out and hold a Super Bowl party while swilling “Bud Light.”  Sure squirrels have been called ‘tree rats” and  “Dunlop dodgers.” From my experience squirrels are usually fixated on collecting nuts for the winter, raiding bird feeders, grooming or acting like Charlie Sheen after numerous cups of coffee and cigarettes. I think there is a rodentia conspiracy going on to cast squirrels in a negative light. I believe jealous woodchucks (groundhogs) and prairie dogs have gotten together via the “RodentiaNet” and conspired to attach squirrel tail disguises and then munch on car wires. It’s well know that both woodchucks (groundhogs) and prairie dogs are jealous of the favorable treatment squirrels have received in the media. Consider the cartoon Rocky and Bullwinkle, Rocky is a flying squirrel, the  “National Lampoon Christmas Vacation” movie squirrel that leaps from the tree onto Clark Griswold, “Hammy” from the animated movie “Over the Hedge.” How many respectful woodchuck (groundhog) or prairie dog media representations have you seen?  The woodchuck (groundhog) population has to have their fur up about the annual ritual one of their own, “Punxsutawney Phil” has to endure on February 2. Who cares if it’s cloudy and Phil comes out of his burrow (winter to end soon), or it’s sunny and he sees his shadow and (six more weeks of winter), the ceremony is the same year after year, hey what a great theme for a movie…..what should it be called?  The sing-songey poem doesn’t help either, “How much wood
 would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood? As much wood
 as a woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could chuck wood.”Prairie dogs also have a serious case of squirrel envy built up, what media figure of their clan can they feel positive about and how many people would let them cavort and run around in their back yards? I’ve read about the antidotes to so-called squirrel attacks on wiring, including fox urine and extreme hot sauce. I would think these antidotes would keep the squirrel impostors at bay, but might encourage vampires or zombies. If you’re still concerned about your vehicle wires being the main course here’s some possible actions to ward off the toothy terrors: I got the first 2 from a site on the internet, http://www.ehow.com/how_2352894_rid-woodchucks garden.HTML, the 3rd one is mine:

11 1.Place garden ornaments, pinwheels, balloons, beach balls or shopping bags that move with the wind and make noise around the vehicle. This may scare the woodchuck or prairie dog away.
2.Try ammonia-soaked rags hanging from posts, mothballs scattered around the outside, or cayenne pepper spray throughout the vehicle and perimeter. Of course all of these require upkeep in order to be effective at keeping the critters away.
3.Get a portable CD player that you can set to play in “repeat mode.” Position the player under your vehicle’s hood and play any Barry Manilow CD from your collection while the vehicle is parked. Guaranteed to keep woodchucks (groundhogs), prairie dogs, vampires and zombies miles away.

“Holier Than Thou”

August 25, 2009 /

The Friday, April 10, 2009 TC front page read: “Tunnel Vision – Residents debate fate of airport prairie dogs.” Opinions varied on solutions to the prairie dogs “digging” their Airport homes a little too much. One opinion I found “buried” in the story stated, “I would suggest that there are those that have such a deep hatred of prairie dogs, that in their view, the only good prairie dog is a dead prairie dog,” arguing that people need to co-exist with the animals. “If there are those who feel this way, let them stew in their own juice or rant in their blogs and on the T-C Line!” Well I don’t know about “stewing in my own juice”(I gave that up for Lent), but I do have a solution to this problem. Why don’t we relocate the prairie dogs to the backyards of some of the “Co-Existing” crowd? Here are some of the benefits they would realize from really “co-existing”with the cuddly varmints: They wouldn’t have to pay someone to “aerate” their yards this Spring, Their neighbors could enjoy a game of miniature golf, I can guarantee they’ll have at least 18 holes. The neighbor kids could enjoy a rousing game of “Whack-a-Dog”, remember to use the Styrofoam hammers! During Christmas Season, they could dress the little “Hole in the Wall” gang up in Charles Dickens Period costumes, teach them to sing, then take them caroling around the neighborhood. I suggest they open with, O “Hole”y Night.” Besides realizing these benefits, they would be keeping us taxpayers from “throwing money down a rat hole”, and show us “stewers and ranters” how easy it is to “co-exist” with the prairie dogs. For the record, I love my dog and fish!

Newer posts »

Recent Comments

    © 2026 krisjharris.com

    Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑